The ultimate beginner’s guide to Miami: How to become a local and survive the 305

So you have chosen to live in Miami. We’re glad you’re here and more than a little impressed by your bravery.

But we do want you to know Miami is a little different than anywhere else you’ve ever lived — even if you’ve lived in other parts of Florida. Maybe especially if you have lived in other parts of Florida.

Getting used to the way things work here takes patience and determination. Also the ability to withstand wilting heat and frequent hurricane scares. But we’re here to help.

Here is a list of what you absolutely need to understand to make the best of your time in Miami. It may take awhile. You will wonder many times if you have made the right decision. Then you’ll find yourself laughing at some tourist who tries to order his cafecito and realize you’re one of us.

Get to know the lingo

Every Miamian must know these 15 words and phrases.

The most important word to know is this one

Do you know how to use “Dale” in a sentence? No? We can show you. See, now you’re just like Pitbull.

Prepare yourself for Miami Time

People are going to show up late — to your party, to a picnic, to the restaurant, to your wedding. Don’t stress. It’s not personal — it’s just that we operate on Miami Time. And while showing up on time for a wedding is probably a good idea, you definitely don’t want to get to a party too early, so here are your guidelines. Do not stray from them or everyone will think you’re from some punctual planet.

Miami is Magical

But why is it called the Magic City? We asked an expert. The answer involves fraud, obviously.

305 > 786

Pitbull calls Miami the 305. Here is why he does, and you will, too.

Order cafecito the right way

Cuban coffee is the jet fuel that powers Miami. Read our Cuban Coffee 101 primer to learn everything you need to know about ordering coffee in Miami. Hint: at some places that frappe caramel half-caf extra hot soy milk order isn’t going to fly.

You’ll probably order your cafecito at a ‘ventanita,’ the walk-up windows where we pound thimblefuls of strong, sweet Cuban coffee and swap stories. Miami invented ventanitas. You’re welcome.

We drink coquito during the holiday season

Forget eggnog. In Miami we drink the heavenly Puerto Rican concoction coquito when the holidays roll around (either that or kremas from Haiti). Trust us: Both are better than eggnog.

When it’s cold, we line up for churros

We line up at La Palma Cuban restaurant when it’s chilly because the fried cinnamon sticks and hot chocolate to dip them in warm our very souls. Also, we define “cold” as “any temperature under 68 degrees.

Mangoes are a religion

People in Miami love mango season. Even though it is 93 degrees, with 99 percent humidity and three hurricanes are taking aim at the Florida peninsula, Miamians gush about this glorious summer fruit, which prompted a Herald food writer to search for (and find?) the tree that is the ‘granddaddy of all Florida mangoes.’

Of course, there’s always a hater trying to destroy our tropical fruit joy.

We love to eat

There are plenty of “best of lists.” This is not one of those. Our food editor shares his list of places where he actually eats so you can learn how to eat like a local in Miami.

Of course, some people just want to know what the hot, new restaurant is and get there before anyone else. We have that list of new Miami restaurants for you, too.

Maybe you just want to know about the best barbecue spots? Everyone seems to, these days. So here you go.

Some restaurants are iconically Miami. Eat at them before you die — or they close.

It’s a lot to keep up with. We get it. Miami’s always being voted at the top of some list, extolling the best burger, best donut, best rooftop bar, best restaurant, even the best sandwich — and we have thoughts on what constitutes a sandwich. (Hot dogs, empanadas, pastelitos, pretty much everything. Here, we’ll prove it to you.)

We clean our floors with a Cuban mop...

Abuelas everywhere will tell you it’s the best mop on the planet.

...And we mop with Fabuloso

If your house doesn’t smell like Fabuloso, you may as well move to Georgia. The scent you use also tells us something about your personality.

Traffic is terrible, and we are bad drivers

Brace yourself. Everyone drives like an idiot in Miami, which is why studies are constantly finding out that traffic here is a horrible hellscape of misery. Miami drivers are so challenged they never use turn signals and have no idea where to put registration stickers on their license plates. Telecommute if you can.

We don’t really hang out in South Beach much

Condé Nast Traveler says South Beach is one of the best beaches in the country, and vacation rental site Holidu reports that South Beach is the most popular beach on social media. But unless they live there, locals tend not to spend much time there, and they are fond of mocking you if you do.

Our cities change fast. Explore them while you can

Figuring out what to do when you’re in different Miami neighborhoods can be overwhelming. But we broke it down for you. Here are some bucket lists to check off for almost every neighborhood in Miami-Dade County.

This story was originally published August 30, 2021 at 6:00 AM.