25 ways to drive like an idiot in Miami

2016’s worst red-light runners

American Traffic Solutions (ATS), the leading road safety camera provider in North America, wants drivers to see this year’s compilation of the worst red-light running crash videos in Florida and realize they are too dangerous to ignore.
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American Traffic Solutions (ATS), the leading road safety camera provider in North America, wants drivers to see this year’s compilation of the worst red-light running crash videos in Florida and realize they are too dangerous to ignore.

Here at we in no way have any authority to tell you how to drive like a safe, law-abiding citizen. For that, we suggest you peruse through the state driver’s handbook. (No, seriously. Please read it >>>

We can, however, provide you with a step-by-step guide on how to be a complete idiot on these South Florida roads. We’ve seen it all.

Follow this guide at your own risk, or if you want your days behind the wheel to come to an end. Chances are you probably beat us to the punch.

1. Honk your horn in anticipation of the green light.

Biscayne Boulevard at Northwest 69th Street on a Thursday afternoon. The boulevard was built for speed, not safety. Carl Juste

Just to make sure the loser three cars in front of you is paying attention. Ain’t nobody got time to miss this left turn.

2. Treat the yellow light as a challenge. Every. Time.

yellow light
You can beat it. We believe in you. Bob Eighmie staff

3. When you don’t make the yellow, come to a screeching halt then put your car in reverse.

Traffic laws are for suckers. HARRY LYNCH HARRY LYNCH

Pray there wasn’t a red light camera.

4. Approach all traffic circles with great confusion.

pass25 circle MHD ABF
Even Waze doesn’t know what to say about this. Alexia Fodere for The Miami Herald

Never ever yield. When the car that was already navigating the roundabout honks at you, curse them out.

5. Drive at least 15 mph over the speed limit on the highway…

speed limit 2
We are all in a rush. We have a Netflix marathon to begin. MARK FOLEY AP

70 = 85+

6. …unless you’re in the left lane (or when the driver behind you is clearly in a rush).

driving 45
Because you are texting, obviously. MARSHA HALPER/HERALD STAFF MHS
Drive 45 mph instead.

7. Plow through those flimsy Express Lane markers on I-95.

John VanBeekum John VanBeekum Miami Herald

It’s your prerogative.

8. When an exit lane is backed up, drive in the next lane then cut someone off just before the off ramp.

transit2 split lnew cmg

9. Refuse to use that pesky turning signal.

left turn signal
Literally none of these drivers are using their turn signals. Not even the the cop. VanBeekum/Miami Herald Staff John VanBeekum Miami Herald

That clicking noise it makes is so aggravating. Oh, you’ve never heard it, huh?

The preferred methods for properly switching lanes in Miami

  1. Cut a mofo off.
  2. When traffic is at a standstill, get the attention of the driver in the next lane over, then point at the space ahead of them.
  3. Edge uncomfortably close to the next car, essentially forcing them out of the lane.
  4. Cut a mofo off.

10. Ignore the school zone unless the cops or a crossing guard are present.

school zone
Look all those Miami kids who will grow up to be a-hole Miami drivers. WALTER MICHOT MIAMI HERALD STAFF

Don’t notice any of the fluorescent yellow signs and don’t acknowledge that there’s a school nearby. Also, honk at people who do slow down even when they’re obeying the law.

11. Never let a car stuck behind a city bus into traffic.

That driver in the car at the light is trying to figure out the quickest way to get from behind that bus. C.M. GUERRERO EL NUEVO HERALD

Sucks to be them.

12. Never rent moving trucks. Just pile your mattresses atop your car.

“U-Haul, schmoohaul, Joe.” Tim Chapman Miami Herald Staff

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13. Make a right turn from the middle lane.

tunnel1 flyover lnew cmg
When the light turns green, a driver in the middle lanes will attempt a right turn. C.M. GUERRERO EL NUEVO HERALD

14. Cut past a person who is taking too long to make a left on yellow.

Cutting people off is your right as an American.

15. Never stop at a red light to make a right turn.

red light camera
Wait, did we use this photo already? Miami Herald file photo

Attempt to turn even as incoming traffic inches closer.

16. Treat all stop signs as mere suggestions.

Stop signs can’t hold back Miami drivers. J. Albert Diaz/ Miami Herald Staff J. Albert Diaz

17. Check the weather forecast for rain just to know if you’ll need to use your flashers that day.

You can bet that at least three of these drivers was reaching for their hazard light buttons. SUZANNE K. MAST LEE MIAMI HERALD STAFF

Turn them on when the rain is really coming down hard then switch lanes suddenly. Pandemonio!

18. When your car stalls in the middle of traffic, don’t use your hazard lights.

miami traffic bad
Just stop. Don’t tell anyone why. They will figure it out. Carl Juste MIAMI HERALD STAFF

Do use your flashers when your morning cafecito spills into your lap.

19. Stop abruptly to switch lanes.

stop abruptly
If they tap you from behind, call 1-800-411-PAIN.

20. Use the center left turn lane as a passing (or a regular) lane.

Seriously. Just do it.

The same applies for merging lanes. They are actually PASSING lanes.

21. Drive with fake insurance. Carry a load of cash just in case.

Your uncle carries a wad of cash so he can pay off drivers in a wreck.

22. Play Four Corners with your registration stickers.

lp 1
As seen in parking lots all across Miami.

Extra points when you put it on the Florida orange.

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23. Get a ticket. Arrive in court to fight it.

traffic ticket

Weigh the likelihood that the cop won’t show in court and when he does, deny any wrongdoing.

24. Lose your license. Drive anyway.

She’s smiling, but all Miami drivers hate trips to the DMV. ALLISON DIAZ FOR THE MIAMI HERALD

25. Never refer to the Florida Driver’s Handbook.

Elliot Nicholson
The handbook is for driver’s ed rookies. (AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee) Wilfredo Lee AP

Be a leader. Not a follower.