Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: Indiana Dave and the circle of doom

The mysterious Miami Circle .... What is it? Who made it? Why did they make it? Did they have building permits? And most important of all, can we South Floridians - who have far too often, in pursuit of profit, trampled on our precious past - find some way to cash in on it?

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: The committee: Rockers, Heloise, and my gum man

Several months ago, I asked the question: Who should be our next president? Should we elect yet another member of what future historians, looking back on late-20th-Century American political leadership, will refer to as ``The Long String of Bozos''? Or should we have the courage and wisdom to boldly change course and place the future of our great nation - and, yes, the world - into the capable, experienced hands of a professional humor columnist?

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: This is not a test! Run to your budget-surplus shelters

There is Big Trouble brewing in Washington, D.C. And I am not talking that mess involving Monica Lewinsky and President You Know Who. NOBODY cares about that any more. The public is SICK of it. The Republicans could produce a videotape of the president and Monica pistol-whipping a 7-Eleven clerk and then performing an illegal act with a Slim Jim, and the public would say, ``So what! Let's focus on the issues!''

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: Your dog deserves TV that smells

Do dogs understand television? This is a question that has puzzled humanity since the days of the ancient Greeks. It is also the topic of an article sent in by alert reader Gwen Larriega from the February issue of Dog Fancy magazine (suggested motto: ``For People Who Take Dogs Way Too Seriously'').

Dave Barry

Classic ’98: Open mouth, insert steam shovel

I was feeling pretty good when I went to see Stanley. Stanley is my dentist. I chose him because he meets the American Dental Association's single most important criterion for selecting a dental-care professional: He looks exactly like Willie Nelson. If Stanley put on a headband and got on stage at a country-music concert, the audience members would absolutely believe that he WAS Willie Nelson, except that instead of telling them not to let their babies grow up to be cowboys, he would tell them to floss.

Dave Barry

This might hurt a little

Today we present Science Quadrant, a look at some wonderful ideas developed by brilliant scientists who still vividly remember that the rest of us made fun of them in high school.

Dave Barry

Classic ’98: He’s not making this up

My first assignment for Tropic was given to me by the guys who were running the magazine in 1982, Kevin Hall and Gene Weingarten. Miami was going through a horrendous period: Crime and corruption were rampant; ethnic tensions ran high; local leaders were desperately seeking solutions to problems that threatened to destroy the city. So Kevin and Gene decided to bring in -- a humor columnist.

Dave Barry

Classic ’98: Of radio earpieces, unwashed laundry

So I'm sitting in a CNN studio in Los Angeles. They have smeared makeup on my face so it will look naturally orange on television. A man named Mario has inserted an earpiece into my ear, which has me a little concerned because, not to brag, or anything, but I am the Mark McGwire of earwax production. I'm afraid that Mario will need a winch to get that thing back out of there. I'm also concerned about whether Mario cleans this earpiece between guests, and what other guests it was inserted into before me. Henry Kissinger, for example. Yuck.

About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

@rayadverb

Dave Barry has been at the Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about everything from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Dave Barry's Blog

Dave Barry’s 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless