Several months ago, I asked the question: Who should be our next president? Should we elect yet another member of what future historians, looking back on late-20th-Century American political leadership, will refer to as ``The Long String of Bozos''? Or should we have the courage and wisdom to boldly change course and place the future of our great nation - and, yes, the world - into the capable, experienced hands of a professional humor columnist?
We live in troubled and uncertain times, but I am feeling good - about myself; about my homeland; about all the nations of the earth; and, yes, about the future of humanity. And I will tell you why: I am on painkillers.
I was surprised to learn that there are people in Miami who practice swordfighting. I never thought of Miami as a sword kind of town. Down here, we like to brandish our weapons at other motorists from inside our cars, which would be risky with a sword
Lately there's been a lot of talk about an Air Traveler's Bill of Rights. This idea got a big push in January, when a snowstorm forced some loaded planes to sit out on the Detroit airport runway for as long as eight hours, during which several passengers were eaten by wolves.
There is Big Trouble brewing in Washington, D.C. And I am not talking that mess involving Monica Lewinsky and President You Know Who. NOBODY cares about that any more. The public is SICK of it. The Republicans could produce a videotape of the president and Monica pistol-whipping a 7-Eleven clerk and then performing an illegal act with a Slim Jim, and the public would say, ``So what! Let's focus on the issues!''
Do dogs understand television? This is a question that has puzzled humanity since the days of the ancient Greeks. It is also the topic of an article sent in by alert reader Gwen Larriega from the February issue of Dog Fancy magazine (suggested motto: ``For People Who Take Dogs Way Too Seriously'').
I'll tell you when I start to worry. I start to worry when ''officials'' tell me not to worry. This is why I am very concerned about the following Associated Press report, which was sent to me by a number of alert readers:
I was feeling pretty good when I went to see Stanley. Stanley is my dentist. I chose him because he meets the American Dental Association's single most important criterion for selecting a dental-care professional: He looks exactly like Willie Nelson. If Stanley put on a headband and got on stage at a country-music concert, the audience members would absolutely believe that he WAS Willie Nelson, except that instead of telling them not to let their babies grow up to be cowboys, he would tell them to floss.
My first assignment for Tropic was given to me by the guys who were running the magazine in 1982, Kevin Hall and Gene Weingarten. Miami was going through a horrendous period: Crime and corruption were rampant; ethnic tensions ran high; local leaders were desperately seeking solutions to problems that threatened to destroy the city. So Kevin and Gene decided to bring in -- a humor columnist.
So I'm sitting in a CNN studio in Los Angeles. They have smeared makeup on my face so it will look naturally orange on television. A man named Mario has inserted an earpiece into my ear, which has me a little concerned because, not to brag, or anything, but I am the Mark McGwire of earwax production. I'm afraid that Mario will need a winch to get that thing back out of there. I'm also concerned about whether Mario cleans this earpiece between guests, and what other guests it was inserted into before me. Henry Kissinger, for example. Yuck.
No doubt you've been waiting to hear about my harrowing experiences during Hurricane Georges. The worst moment came when my body was being tossed around violently, attacked by savage, uncontrollable forces of terrifying power. This happened in the supermarket two days before Georges arrived.
On the weekend that Kenneth Starr released his Official Big Book o' Smut, I went to America's Heartland to see how ordinary citizens were handling the ongoing traumatic national crisis involving President Clinton (motto: ``I Am Really Sorry, Although Legally I Did Nothing Wrong'').
Dave Barry: Five newspaper people were killed yesterday at the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Maryland. I met one of the victims, Rob Hiaasen, a few times; he was the brother of my close friend Carl. My heart aches for his family, for all the families.
The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless