Here, as promised last week, is the second and final part of my report on the fact-finding mission I took to the Netherlands this summer to increase international understanding, a cause that as the great humanitarian Florence Nightingale so often pointed out as she toiled among the sick and wounded-is tax-deductible if you write about it.
As a molder of public opinion, I regularly go on fact-finding missions to foreign countries located outside of the United States. I then report my findings to you in the sincere hope that I can improve international understanding by deducting the entire cost of my mission, including beer, on my income taxes.
A few weeks ago, we asked you, our readers, to help us design a new state - the state of Miami-Dade. You responded magnificently, sending us many, many ideas, including some that we can actually print in the newspaper.
It is with great decrepitude that we present another episode of ``Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column that was recently voted ``Best American Grammar Column in America'' by a panel of Florida voters who were actually trying to order Chinese food.
Humorist Dave Barry sums up 2018 in his latest year in review: More talk of Russians and the Mueller probe, more semiliterate tweets from President Trump about fake news, and the debut of Dr. Pimple Popper.
Members of the graduating Class of 1999: When I gaze out upon you, so young and proud in your caps and gowns, the thought that goes through my mind, as your commencement speaker today, is: Where did you get those caps?
Ho ho ho! ‘Tis the Christmas season, a time of festivity and fun and credit-card statements the length of The Brothers Karamazov. It’s also a time when the publications at supermarket-checkout counters are chock-full of articles featuring creative holiday craft ideas, with headlines like: ``JFK JR. TELLS OPRAH: CAST OF `FRIENDS’ ATE MY BABY!’‘
It's coming! Put your ear to the page and listen.... BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom bom bom bom . . . . That's right: It's the theme from Star Wars, the movie series that gave the world a whole new lexicon, including such phrases as ``the Force,'' ``Death Star,'' ``light saber,'' ``lexicon'' and ``licensed merchandise.''
The mysterious Miami Circle .... What is it? Who made it? Why did they make it? Did they have building permits? And most important of all, can we South Floridians - who have far too often, in pursuit of profit, trampled on our precious past - find some way to cash in on it?
There is a bill before the Florida Legislature that would require drivers over age 75 to - get this - pass hearing AND vision tests before they get their licenses renewed. Naturally, this bill is controversial. As well it should be.
Several months ago, I asked the question: Who should be our next president? Should we elect yet another member of what future historians, looking back on late-20th-Century American political leadership, will refer to as ``The Long String of Bozos''? Or should we have the courage and wisdom to boldly change course and place the future of our great nation - and, yes, the world - into the capable, experienced hands of a professional humor columnist?
Dave Barry: Five newspaper people were killed yesterday at the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Maryland. I met one of the victims, Rob Hiaasen, a few times; he was the brother of my close friend Carl. My heart aches for his family, for all the families.
The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless