It is with great decrepitude that we present another episode of ``Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column that was recently voted ``Best American Grammar Column in America'' by a panel of Florida voters who were actually trying to order Chinese food.
Humorist Dave Barry sums up 2018 in his latest year in review: More talk of Russians and the Mueller probe, more semiliterate tweets from President Trump about fake news, and the debut of Dr. Pimple Popper.
Members of the graduating Class of 1999: When I gaze out upon you, so young and proud in your caps and gowns, the thought that goes through my mind, as your commencement speaker today, is: Where did you get those caps?
Ho ho ho! ‘Tis the Christmas season, a time of festivity and fun and credit-card statements the length of The Brothers Karamazov. It’s also a time when the publications at supermarket-checkout counters are chock-full of articles featuring creative holiday craft ideas, with headlines like: ``JFK JR. TELLS OPRAH: CAST OF `FRIENDS’ ATE MY BABY!’‘
It's coming! Put your ear to the page and listen.... BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom bom bom bom . . . . That's right: It's the theme from Star Wars, the movie series that gave the world a whole new lexicon, including such phrases as ``the Force,'' ``Death Star,'' ``light saber,'' ``lexicon'' and ``licensed merchandise.''
The mysterious Miami Circle .... What is it? Who made it? Why did they make it? Did they have building permits? And most important of all, can we South Floridians - who have far too often, in pursuit of profit, trampled on our precious past - find some way to cash in on it?
There is a bill before the Florida Legislature that would require drivers over age 75 to - get this - pass hearing AND vision tests before they get their licenses renewed. Naturally, this bill is controversial. As well it should be.
Several months ago, I asked the question: Who should be our next president? Should we elect yet another member of what future historians, looking back on late-20th-Century American political leadership, will refer to as ``The Long String of Bozos''? Or should we have the courage and wisdom to boldly change course and place the future of our great nation - and, yes, the world - into the capable, experienced hands of a professional humor columnist?
We live in troubled and uncertain times, but I am feeling good - about myself; about my homeland; about all the nations of the earth; and, yes, about the future of humanity. And I will tell you why: I am on painkillers.
I was surprised to learn that there are people in Miami who practice swordfighting. I never thought of Miami as a sword kind of town. Down here, we like to brandish our weapons at other motorists from inside our cars, which would be risky with a sword
Lately there's been a lot of talk about an Air Traveler's Bill of Rights. This idea got a big push in January, when a snowstorm forced some loaded planes to sit out on the Detroit airport runway for as long as eight hours, during which several passengers were eaten by wolves.
There is Big Trouble brewing in Washington, D.C. And I am not talking that mess involving Monica Lewinsky and President You Know Who. NOBODY cares about that any more. The public is SICK of it. The Republicans could produce a videotape of the president and Monica pistol-whipping a 7-Eleven clerk and then performing an illegal act with a Slim Jim, and the public would say, ``So what! Let's focus on the issues!''
Do dogs understand television? This is a question that has puzzled humanity since the days of the ancient Greeks. It is also the topic of an article sent in by alert reader Gwen Larriega from the February issue of Dog Fancy magazine (suggested motto: ``For People Who Take Dogs Way Too Seriously'').
I'll tell you when I start to worry. I start to worry when ''officials'' tell me not to worry. This is why I am very concerned about the following Associated Press report, which was sent to me by a number of alert readers:
Dave Barry: Five newspaper people were killed yesterday at the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Maryland. I met one of the victims, Rob Hiaasen, a few times; he was the brother of my close friend Carl. My heart aches for his family, for all the families.
The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless