Do dogs understand television? This is a question that has puzzled humanity since the days of the ancient Greeks. It is also the topic of an article sent in by alert reader Gwen Larriega from the February issue of Dog Fancy magazine (suggested motto: ``For People Who Take Dogs Way Too Seriously'').
I'll tell you when I start to worry. I start to worry when ''officials'' tell me not to worry. This is why I am very concerned about the following Associated Press report, which was sent to me by a number of alert readers:
I was feeling pretty good when I went to see Stanley. Stanley is my dentist. I chose him because he meets the American Dental Association's single most important criterion for selecting a dental-care professional: He looks exactly like Willie Nelson. If Stanley put on a headband and got on stage at a country-music concert, the audience members would absolutely believe that he WAS Willie Nelson, except that instead of telling them not to let their babies grow up to be cowboys, he would tell them to floss.
My first assignment for Tropic was given to me by the guys who were running the magazine in 1982, Kevin Hall and Gene Weingarten. Miami was going through a horrendous period: Crime and corruption were rampant; ethnic tensions ran high; local leaders were desperately seeking solutions to problems that threatened to destroy the city. So Kevin and Gene decided to bring in -- a humor columnist.
So I'm sitting in a CNN studio in Los Angeles. They have smeared makeup on my face so it will look naturally orange on television. A man named Mario has inserted an earpiece into my ear, which has me a little concerned because, not to brag, or anything, but I am the Mark McGwire of earwax production. I'm afraid that Mario will need a winch to get that thing back out of there. I'm also concerned about whether Mario cleans this earpiece between guests, and what other guests it was inserted into before me. Henry Kissinger, for example. Yuck.
No doubt you've been waiting to hear about my harrowing experiences during Hurricane Georges. The worst moment came when my body was being tossed around violently, attacked by savage, uncontrollable forces of terrifying power. This happened in the supermarket two days before Georges arrived.
On the weekend that Kenneth Starr released his Official Big Book o' Smut, I went to America's Heartland to see how ordinary citizens were handling the ongoing traumatic national crisis involving President Clinton (motto: ``I Am Really Sorry, Although Legally I Did Nothing Wrong'').
Dave Barry: Five newspaper people were killed yesterday at the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Maryland. I met one of the victims, Rob Hiaasen, a few times; he was the brother of my close friend Carl. My heart aches for his family, for all the families.
My son is a senior in high school, which means that pretty soon he, like millions of other seniors, will have to make a crucial decision, the consequences of which will remain with him for the rest of his life: Who will be his prom date. Also, at some point he'll probably select a college.
Dave Barry shares his 2017 Holiday Gift Guide. Christmas presents include gag gifts like a Ken doll with a man bun, a Barry Manilow coloring book and Star Wars BBQ tongs. What will Santa Claus bring you?
The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless