Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Classic ’98: Ho-ho-ho and a bottle of rum

Ho ho ho! ‘Tis the Christmas season, a time of festivity and fun and credit-card statements the length of The Brothers Karamazov. It’s also a time when the publications at supermarket-checkout counters are chock-full of articles featuring creative holiday craft ideas, with headlines like: ``JFK JR. TELLS OPRAH: CAST OF `FRIENDS’ ATE MY BABY!’‘

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: Watch where you stick that light saber, pal

It's coming! Put your ear to the page and listen.... BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom bom bom bom . . . . That's right: It's the theme from Star Wars, the movie series that gave the world a whole new lexicon, including such phrases as ``the Force,'' ``Death Star,'' ``light saber,'' ``lexicon'' and ``licensed merchandise.''

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: Indiana Dave and the circle of doom

The mysterious Miami Circle .... What is it? Who made it? Why did they make it? Did they have building permits? And most important of all, can we South Floridians - who have far too often, in pursuit of profit, trampled on our precious past - find some way to cash in on it?

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: The committee: Rockers, Heloise, and my gum man

Several months ago, I asked the question: Who should be our next president? Should we elect yet another member of what future historians, looking back on late-20th-Century American political leadership, will refer to as ``The Long String of Bozos''? Or should we have the courage and wisdom to boldly change course and place the future of our great nation - and, yes, the world - into the capable, experienced hands of a professional humor columnist?

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: This is not a test! Run to your budget-surplus shelters

There is Big Trouble brewing in Washington, D.C. And I am not talking that mess involving Monica Lewinsky and President You Know Who. NOBODY cares about that any more. The public is SICK of it. The Republicans could produce a videotape of the president and Monica pistol-whipping a 7-Eleven clerk and then performing an illegal act with a Slim Jim, and the public would say, ``So what! Let's focus on the issues!''

Dave Barry

Classic ’99: Your dog deserves TV that smells

Do dogs understand television? This is a question that has puzzled humanity since the days of the ancient Greeks. It is also the topic of an article sent in by alert reader Gwen Larriega from the February issue of Dog Fancy magazine (suggested motto: ``For People Who Take Dogs Way Too Seriously'').

About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

@rayadverb

Dave Barry has been at the Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about everything from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Dave Barry's Blog

Dave Barry’s 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless