Time, like most things, moves at a different speed in Miami. This is especially true when you’re going to a party or trying to get home on the Palmetto.
But it’s especially true with parties. Doesn’t matter where you live, nobody wants to be the first to arrive. But that’s a thousand times more true in Miami, where no one has been on time for anything ever and an early appearance will earn you disdain, mockery and possible shunning.
So if the party starts at 8 p.m., what time should you show up? Here’s our handy timeline to prevent you from making an embarrassing social blunder.
7:30 p.m.: Unless you’re the caterer, don’t even think about setting foot on the property this early. Even the caterer is going to get the side eye, and he’s carrying a platter of croquetas and thus beloved by all.
8 p.m.: What are you, a monster? You don’t show up at the suggested starting time. The starting time isn’t official. It’s merely a signal that you can start thinking about drawing on your eyebrows without actually drawing them yet. Put down your eye pencil and wait a while.
8:30 p.m.: Still too early. You can show up only if you share DNA with the host and do not object to setting up, making a pre-emptive strike on dirty pots and pans or cleaning the bathroom.
9 p.m.: Not a close relative? Then no. Still no. If you left home too early, drive over to Starbucks and grab a latte. Drink it slowly. Scroll through your Instagram feed. Play Words With Friends. Wait.
9:30 p.m.: The time to leave for the party is slowly approaching. BUT IT’S NOT HERE YET SO SETTLE DOWN.
10 p.m.: Two hours after the starting time, it is now officially acceptable to arrive. You’re still a little early, so do not come empty handed. All alcoholic beverages are acceptable gifts, particularly if they are homemade.
10:30 p.m.: An even better time to arrive. You’re guaranteed to walk into a buzzy group of people who have had a few drinks and are happy to see you (or, really, anybody at this point). Downside: If there are kids there, they’re surely sugared up at this point and bouncing off the walls. Steer clear.
11 p.m.: Still a good time to get there. The kids are burning down the playroom at this point, but no worries, they’re not yours. The croquetas are long gone, but the Malbec is plentiful. Cheers!
Midnight: Arriving at this point, you are heading into Late for the Party territory. Anywhere else in the country, that is. In Miami, there is no time that’s too late to show up if you follow two simple rules: bring a colada or breeze right in and start making coffee for everybody.
Anytime after midnight: It’s all good. This isn’t Pembroke Pines. We’re going to go all night.