Carl Hiaasen

Former ally David Pecker flips, and Trump probably flips out

Using a tabloid practice known as “catch and kill,” the National Enquirer would buy the exclusive rights to stories of Trump’s extramarital affairs, effectively silencing the accusers while never publishing a word.

Carl Hiaasen

After reading Epstein’s victims’ account, how does Labor Secretary Acosta sleep at night?

It’s well-documented that Alexander Acosta, then the U.S. attorney in Miami, approved a slap-on-the-wrist plea deal for Epstein, a rich hedge fund manager who recruited scores of underage girls.

Carl Hiaasen

Memo to Donald Trump’s gut: Shut up. Just. Shut. Up.

President Donald Trump told the Washington Post: “My gut tells me more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me.” Miami Herald columnist Carl Hiaasen lists some brilliant things Trump’s gut has told him in the past.

Carl Hiaasen

In Florida, it’s the thought that counts, because it sure isn’t our votes!

Three major statewide recounts threaten to torment weary Floridians for days, weeks or longer. It all depends on the number (and tenacity) of lawyers hired by both parties.

Carl Hiaasen

Matt Caldwell is sweet on Big Sugar. He shouldn’t be Florida’s agriculture commissioner.

Carl Hiaasen

‘If being green will get us elected, then, we’re green (cough!) for now’

The repackaged Ron DeSantis, Florida’s Republican gubernatorial candidate, is now pitching himself as an impassioned environmental crusader, a “Teddy Roosevelt conservationist.” It’s hard not to laugh at the Roosevelt line . . .

Carl Hiaasen

‘Hey, don’t judge me! I just really, really like beer! Really!”

Columnist Carl Hiaasen presents a rejected first and only draft of a statement by future Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh seeking to clarify his position on beer.

Carl Hiaasen

Rick Scott doesn’t want his Senate campaign swept away by the (red) tide

Florida voters might remember how Gov. Scott and the Republican Legislature shrunk the Department of Environmental Regulation, pauperized and politicized the water management districts, and allow Big Sugar police its own polluting practices.

Carl Hiaasen

‘The pain never ebbs. The tears never dry. But they are proof that my brother, Rob, mattered’

Carl Hiaasen’s column in tribute to his brother, Rob Hiaasen, editor and columnist killed in the Capital Gazette shooting in Maryland.

Carl Hiaasen

Evangelical leaders were too silent for too long

There was a strange, sluggish response by some evangelical leaders, whose notion of biblical mercy is one that shines less brightly on immigrants.

Carl Hiaasen

‘A jet-setting Jesus? I’m not seeing it …’

Televangelist Jesse Duplantis wants his flock to buy him a private jet. His pitch? These days, Jesus ‘wouldn’t be riding a donkey.’

Carl Hiaasen

Putnam keeps his deep-pocketed friends happy

As Florida’s agriculture commissioner, gubernatorial candidate Adam Putnam’s office is in charge of regulating grocery outlets. You probably won’t be stunned to learn of his big-hearted leniency toward Publix.

Carl Hiaasen

Teacher drowns raccoons in front of students as a lesson - yes, only in Florida

The raccoons were placed in small cages and submerged in a tub of water, where they struggled miserably for several minutes until dying. Some students became upset, and at least one secretly recorded cell-phone video of the torture.

Carl Hiaasen

‘Mr. Trump? Um, no, I don’t know any Mr. Trump’

If the president’s lawyers need any help ensuring that his shady associates keep their mouths’ shut, Carl Hiaasen can be of assistance.

Carl Hiaasen

Scott’s already lost in the weeds — of West Virginia

Considering the massive tonnage of money Scott has accumulated for his Senate campaign, you’d think he could afford to do one extra take of his debut ad, just to get it right.

Carl Hiaasen

EPA chief Pruitt is up to his knees in muck

The EPA chief’s addiction to first-class travel has drawn fire, as has his assembling a personal security team larger than Justin Bieber’s.

Carl Hiaasen

‘I’m authentically sorry for the Facebook unpleasantness. Well, kinda, sorta sorry’

Rejected first draft of Mark Zuckerberg’s belated apology for the mass data invasion that affected at least 50 million Facebook users:

Carl Hiaasen

Nobody ever said that saving the Everglades would be easy. Or quick.

If all that goes smoothly — which would be miraculous — the most optimistic prediction for finishing the reservoir and its 6,500-acre cleansing marsh is in eight years.

Carl Hiaasen

‘No, no, everything is peachy-keen at the White House!’

If Hope Hicks needs to come up with a cheat sheet for her successor as communications director, Carl Hiaasen can help.