“No, no, no — what I meant to say was ‘shrewish’ lasers beams started those wildfires” | Opinion

(Rejected first draft of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s closed-door apology to the House Republican conference last week).

Fellow Republicans, where do I start?

To my colleagues from California, I’m sorry for saying that one of your devastating wildfires was caused by Jewish laser beams fired from outer space. It was premature for me to post that theory on Facebook because there’s no conclusive proof that those particular laser beams are controlled exclusively by Jews.

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually the Muslims who did the space-laser wildfire, trying to frame the Jews. Or maybe even Antifa, trying to frame both the Muslims and the Jews in order to ignite a global religious Armageddon.

Something to think about, right?

And to my colleagues from Florida, I was out of line when I said the 2018 mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland was a “false flag event” staged by actors in a sinister plot to rile support for tougher gun-control laws.

It was also poor judgment for me to badger one of the survivors during a trip to the Capitol and call him a “coward,” especially on a video that could be stored in the cloud forever and later re-posted by Democrats trying to make me look like some sort of vicious hell-witch.

In my defense, however, the encounter with the Parkland student occurred before I was elected to Congress, so I wasn’t berating the young man in an official capacity. It was purely recreational.

To my colleagues from Nevada, I concede that I probably spoke out of turn by saying the massacre of 58 people at a country-music show in Las Vegas was part of a leftist plot to force law-abiding Republicans to surrender their firearms.

I made that remark in a homemade video for a group called American Truth Seekers, which has at least two other members who are not currently in psychiatric therapy. Again, I wasn’t in Congress at the time -- I was speaking out as a private citizen who happened to be too busy with my CrossFit training to responsibly check the facts.

Regarding House Speaker (Nancy) Pelosi and other Democratic leaders, I wasn’t 100-percent serious when I “liked” social-media comments that promoted the idea of assassinating them. My office is currently drafting a letter to the Speaker disavowing the view that “a bullet to the head” would be the quickest way to get rid of her.

Such an act would only strengthen the radical anti-gun mob in this country — in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t already planning something like that as another “false flag”!

To all brave members of the American military, I admit I probably crossed the boundary of decency by endorsing the notion that the 9/11 attacks were a hoax, and that the Pentagon wasn’t really struck by a hijacked jetliner.

Even though I wasn’t there when it supposedly happened and didn’t see it with my own eyes, I’ve recently been made aware that there were hundreds of witnesses, and also several videos that look just like a plane hitting the building.

In the future, I promise to limit my theories about major historic events to those for which there is no irrefutable counter-evidence — the secret abduction of President Lyndon Johnson, for example, who was replaced by a shape-shifting Iguana Nymph from the galaxy of Miralax.

The result: The Civil Rights Act of 1964, obviously.

Something to think about, right?

To all the voters who elected me from the 14th Congressional District in Georgia, I regret that I — and, by association, you — are now the punch line of hundreds of scathing jokes on the internet and liberal late-night TV.

I never meant to embarrass you folks — and, by the way, you knew about lots of my wacko theories before the election. So did my biggest fan, President Donald J. Patriot, who called me “a future Republican Star” and “a real WINNER.”

In CAPITAL letters, people!

So, finally, to all my worried Republicans friends, let me say that, up until Jan. 6, I was proud to be the first QAnon believer elected to this chamber.

However, in recent days I’ve revaluated my blind devotion to the mysterious Q-dog, whoever he or she might be, and will now refocus my energy on the important mission of fixing our great nation:

Locking up the Clintons, shutting down Chuck Schumer’s perverts-only calzone parlor, disarming the Jewish (or Muslim!) space-laser marksmen, banning all mask ordinances, restoring the Trumps to the White House and rooting out all the alien lizard people who have infiltrated Parkland, Florida.

Something to think about, right?