Neither snow nor rain will keep mail from being delivered. But then there’s Trump ... | Opinion

(Rejected first draft of Postmaster General Louis DeJoy’s opening statement to the Senate committee probing the severe slowdown of mail service in advance of the November election.)

Honorable senators, first let me thank you for inviting me here to explain all the cutbacks, cancellations of overtime and removal of high-speed mail-sorting machines that I have thriftily initiated since taking charge of the U.S. Postal Service three months ago.

These are merely cost-saving measures that have nothing do with President Trump’s desire to stall, discredit or block mail-in voting during the upcoming election.

As you know, the president himself votes by mail, although a team of Secret Service agents accompanies the envelope all the way to the Palm Beach precinct he now calls home.

To critics who say the president is a hypocrite for mailing his own ballot while trying to scare other Americans out of doing the same, let me point out a few good reasons why the commander in chief won’t be able to vote in person this fall.

First, it’s important to remember that November is still hurricane season. While it’s true that forecasters are now able to track these storm systems long before they approach the U.S. coast, the president doesn’t watch the Weather Channel and is therefore at high risk while staying at Mar-a-Lago.

For his own personal safety, he will be much safer up north. Also, it still gets hotter than Satan’s armpit in Florida in early November, and 18 holes of golf in the broiling sun poses serious health risks for any overweight, 74-year-old man jacked up on Diet Coke.

Therefore, on the recommendation of his doctors, the president will be staying at his country club in Bedford, New York, and wearing a sweater.

But let me assure you that, despite his comments, he still has full faith and confidence in the integrity of the postal system. Rather, his distrust of mail-in voting stems from concerns about the ballot-counting process at local and state levels — except in Florida, of course, where elections always go smoothly.

Senators, some of you have asked for past evidence of mass fraud involving mail-in votes, and the attorney general is still researching that issue, day and night. I’m sure he’ll turn up something, somewhere.

And while I cannot personally verify the president’s claim that dogs are receiving voter-registration applications, I have alerted our postal carriers to flag any election-related correspondence addressed to individuals named Sparky, Rex, Milo, Buddy, Skipper or Bella.

I want to reiterate that the nationwide slowdown of mail delivery is not intended to suppress the votes of any particular party or improve the president’s chances of re-election. That he’s trailing in every major poll is of absolutely no concern to those of us who were appointed by him, and who stand to lose their jobs if Joe Biden wins.

Just because I’ve donated more than a million dollars to the Trump campaign (and he nominated my wife to be the ambassador to Canada) doesn’t mean I’ll do whatever it takes to get him re-elected. I am personally offended —appalled, in fact — at the suggestion.

Senators, I would never put personal gain ahead of patriotic duty. My wife and I could easily afford a condo in Ottawa, if that’s really where we wanted to hang out.

And to all the military veterans waiting at their mailboxes for their delayed prescriptions from the VA, to all the seniors looking for their late Social Security checks and to every American family that depends on reliable postal service every day, let me say one thing loud and clear:

Holy crap, I didn’t realize so many of you were Republicans!

Same goes for the millions in our great party with significant health problems who can’t risk going to the polls in the midst of a viral pandemic, and who are starting to believe what President Trump has been saying about fraudulent mail-in balloting.

He’s not talking about your state, OK? He’s talking about all the other states.

So please don’t be frightened away from voting this fall. To make it easier, I’ve officially suspended the dismantling of sorting machines and other measures until after the election.

Go ahead and fill out your mail ballot, just like the president did. We’ll even send a COVID-free volunteer to your house to lick the stamp for you.

Then, just to make sure your envelope arrives on time, we’ll stick it inside a Crate & Barrel catalog.

Because we’re still the U.S. Postal Service, by God, and we deliver.

At least until the first week of November.

This story was originally published August 21, 2020 at 6:00 PM.