These boys are sexist, racist and not that bright. What are they so proud of again? | Opinion

Ten pressing questions for the media director of the Proud Boys, the violence-espousing white-supremacist group that President Trump refused to denounce during last week’s debate with Joe Biden:

1. Is it true your organization is named after a song in the Disney musical version of “Aladdin?”

Yes, which proves that we’re not really a dangerous right-wing militia. We’re simply a patriotic association of ultra-masculine white males who are confident enough in our own sexuality to pay homage to a super-amazing Broadway production.

2. So you dress up in costumes . . .?

Hell, no! We march in formidable urban combat gear that we got for half-price after a chain of paintball parks went out of business.

3. When are the auditions for the Proud Boys held?

Seriously? We don’t DO auditions! We’re not a theater group, OK? We’re badass, heavily armed rednecks who love to beat the crap out of people that are demonstrating against systemic racism and social injustice.

4. Can anybody join?

Our membership base is disgruntled white males, though we receive tremendous support (and chicken parm box lunches!) from our loyally submissive white wives and girlfriends.

5. Why don’t you let women be in the group?

Because then we’d have to change the damn name. Duh.

Also because we believe adult females belong at home, where they can be properly “venerated.” (Actually I had to look that word up, and it’s not sexist at all.)

And for the record, some of the gals who serve us have formed a fun little auxiliary chapter called “The Proud Boys’ Girls.”

6. You’re joking, right?

No, it’s an actual thing. They’ve got their own merch online.

And, by the way, those racerback tank tops are so freaking hot!

7. Can a white man who doesn’t have a college degree sign up with the Proud Boys?

You obviously did, like, zero research on us, right?

If you want to be in the group, do NOT tell any of our recruiters that you went to college. Just say you’re working on your GED, whatever.

It’s OK to wear your Stanford sweatshirt on game day in the privacy of your own living room — but if you wear it to one of our rallies you’ll probably get mistaken for an antifa agitator and pounded into donkey hash.

8. What is the Proud Boys’ policy on firearms?

We strongly encourage new members to own and flaunt their guns — modified assault rifles, preferably — but those who can’t afford one are given weekend access to the basement arsenals of all their fellow warriors.

There’s no restriction on the type of weapons that a Proud Boy may bring to a street demonstration, though we’ve recently had a few mishaps with bear spray. It’s important to make sure the canister is pointing at the agitators and not your own face, and we’ll be posting more helpful instructions on YouTube soon.

9. Some late-night TV comedians have made fun of your group’s ban on masturbation. What’s the reason for such an unusual rule?

To protect our trigger fingers from an untimely sprain, obviously.

But this is why the Proud Boys hate the lame-stream media so much — try getting your facts straight, for once!

It turned out that the masturbation ban was hurting our recruiting efforts, so we actually changed the rule in 2018 to allow members to perform that particular act once a month. That still leaves us plenty of “energy” to fulfill our race-purifying duties with our significant white others.

10. When President Trump said the Proud Boys and other racists groups should “stand down and stand by,” did you take those words as a call to prepare for battle on Election Day?

OK, smartass, check out our web sites. We’re not racists, we’re “Western chauvinists.”

Second, we’re prepared to do anything that the president orders us to do. We’ll stand down, stand by, stand up, stand tall, or just stand around and do nothing.

Needless to say, we’ve been swamped with applicants ever since he gave us that shout-out during the debate. And, dude, we are racking up epic online sales of our custom hats, shirts and flags.

So, yes, we love that big Cheeto-colored goofball in the White House, even if he now claims he’s never heard of us.

We’re ready, sir. Just tell us where to go, and when to be there.

Also, what size hoodie does Don Jr. wear?

This story was originally published October 2, 2020 at 3:24 PM.