Here’s how to quit being a pandemic hermit and return to your fabulous Miami life

It’s time, stragglers.

You’re vaccinated. You’ve passed your wait date. People are regularly driving through the cones on I-95 again, and a new hot outdoor spot in Wynwood just opened that you’re too old to go to.

Nature is healing, and you can leave your house to experience the world again.

But maybe you’re not ready. Maybe your couch is your castle and Netflix your god. Maybe your relationship with the Uber Eats driver has deepened into something precious. Or maybe you’re just struggling with the idea of being surrounded by Miami sights and sounds and smells again, which is totally understandable, because Miami sights and sounds and smells aren’t always that sweet.

If you want to stay home, that’s OK. But if you’re ready to go out, we are here to help. We have traveled some of the mean streets of Miami (well, except the Palmetto — no way are we going back out there). We can give you some idea what to expect as you emerge from your pandemic haze and pick up the pieces of your broken life.

Here are the important things to remember.

Miami is still Miami

Yes, we had some nice moments coming together to help others last year. But this is still the place where people have fistfights in the airport, elected officials flip off each other via Zoom and gunfire erupts at the mall. Prepare yourself accordingly.

Keep your mask handy

While some restaurants, gyms and other businesses are abandoning mask requirements, we remind you that there other advantages to wearing a mask. For one, you don’t have to invest in lipstick. Also, you can sing along with Lizzo in public without anybody realizing you’re still getting the words to “Truth Hurts” wrong.

You need new excuses to turn down invitations

In 2020, when someone irritating and pushy demanded to get together, you could say, “Sorry, I don’t want to risk my life to see you, especially since you annoy me in the best of circumstances.” Now, you will need to invent a series of other important appointments and/or devastating illnesses for you and your loved ones.

You must relearn your traffic coping skills

Traffic probably isn’t worse than it ever was. It just feels that way because you got to avoid the streets for awhile. But Miami is still one of the worst cities for traffic in the country, and I-95 is still America’s most stressful road. Put on that seat belt, offer up a prayer to the highway gods and keep an eye on that truck piled with pallets that’s veering into your lane.

Going to the gym is grosser than before

Working out in public was always fairly disgusting, what with various fluids and sounds emerging from nearby bodies, but now there are potentially unvaccinated people sweating all over everything and breathing their rona particles in your vicinity. It’s unnerving, but you can still wear your mask and snicker silently at their unfortunate spandex choices.

There are places you probably can’t wear yoga pants

Not because they’re not fancy enough (though they’re not). Because it’s too damned hot to wander around Miami in yoga pants all summer. Last July you were cowering in your living room. This year you’re going to have to improve your wardrobe. Please don’t choose cargo shorts.

You’re going to have to stop judging people

I know, I know, it’s our favorite part of the pandemic, too. Looking at groups of happy people celebrating an event you weren’t invited to was fun when you could sneer at how selfish they were and think “Look at this superspreading garbage.” Now you must stew in your own misery and wonder if there is a vaccine for being self-righteous and smug because you qualify.

You are still allowed to order takeout

This just in: YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO EAT IN A RESTAURANT. You can! But you don’t have to. And since Miami’s 2,000-degree temperatures are starting to wilt any sane person’s desire to eat outside, remember takeout still exists. Most of your favorite places have perfected it by now. Get it to go and keep your yoga pants on.

Staying home remains an option

Just because it’s safer to go out doesn’t mean you have to go out. Embrace your inner hermit and don’t let anyone accuse you of suffering from pandemic addiction. Like drivers who will politely let you merge into Miami traffic, that is not a real thing.