Stop fighting at Costco: Here’s how to avoid being the worst person in quarantine

It will come as a surprise to exactly no one that some of us are not living up to our best selves while in quarantine.

We’d like to think we were all killing it in the pursuit of being fine, upstanding people during the coronavirus pandemic. Sadly, this is not the case. And we can show you the discarded gloves to prove it.

Also, this is Miami, where being rude has been honed to an art form. We were even named one of the least compassionate cities in America a few months ago, and that was before people were stuck at home without sports or the promise of a trip to the beach. We are growing crankier by the minute.

So here is our guide on how not to be the worst person in quarantine. Follow these rules carefully, and maybe nobody will loathe you when we finally emerge from this mess.

Though we can’t promise anything.

Don’t throw a party

This seems obvious if you understand exactly what the words “six feet apart” mean, but judging from the sounds coming from your neighbor’s house, apparently it bears repeating.

Don’t start fights at Walmart

Fact: It is not possible to socially distance from someone when you have him in a headlock.

Don’t start fights at Costco

Fact: Older people get first crack at the Lysol spray at many stores these days. Don’t start physical altercations because you’re mad you’re only 35. Try to wait patiently and silence your inner idiota.

Don’t start fights anywhere

That includes Twitter.

Wear a bra for office Zoom meetings

Seriously, nobody needs to see that.

Learn how to put on a mask

You have to wear a mask in public now, so here’s a helpful hint: It goes over your nose, not under it.

For hardcore bikers: Remember other people exist

This is not the Tour de France, it’s a park in Kendall. Stop trying to break the land-speed record.

For casual bikers: Remember other people exist

Don’t ride around in a circle. Don’t stop to take photos to document your fabulous quarantine exercise life. Keep it moving. There are people trying to avoid you.

For runners: Remember other people exist

Keep your distance and don’t run up on anyone moving more slowly. Nobody wants to get drenched in your gross sweat spray.

For walkers: Remember other people exist

Yes, there are rules for you, too, walkers. You’re not off the hook just because you finally decided to improve your couch potato life. Don’t hog the sidewalk. Don’t blast crappy music from your phone while you walk. Walk facing traffic. This is not hard.

Don’t start a DJ set on your balcony

You’re not Tiesto, and Ultra was canceled.

Don’t plug in your electric guitar and jam for the whole neighborhood

You’re not Jerry Garcia, and this is not 1969.

Dispose of gloves and masks properly

Don’t kid yourself. You have to exceed all normal levels of human selfishness and stupidity by throwing your used gloves on the ground. You are the worst.

Try not to buy up all the flour

Seriously, let other people try their hand at baking-while-quarantined. You don’t need to make bread from scratch every week. We will still sense your moral superiority.

Try to keep the “this quarantine is the best time of my life” messages to a minimum on social media

We are happy you are reconnecting to your children/spouse/pet/self. Congratulations! It’s wonderful that you have achieved great personal growth and are basking in the joyful warmth of love while the rest of us seethe with rage at our significant others, despair over our kids’ limp academic progress or are reduced to asking Alexa questions just to hear the sound of another voice. But please have some compassion. Some of us are not handling this well and by “some of us” we mean “most of us.”

Don’t hoard toilet paper

You’re not still doing this, are you?

Tip everybody

Especially if they bring you food you didn’t have to cook yourself or a gallon of margaritas.