Cross the street, bro: How to take a quarantine walk in Miami without being a jerk

Walking is the new black.

Yes. This is what we do now as the coronavirus pandemic and the stay-at-home order for Florida continue: We walk.

We walk to burn a few calories since the gyms are closed (unless you are JLo). We walk to stretch our legs after sitting at our computers all day. We walk to breathe in the fresh air with which this lovely Florida weather has taunted us (it’s perfect as our lives crumble and the good snacks disappear with alarming speed).

We walk because if we don’t get out of this damned house/condo/apartment we are going to start screaming and never stop.

But now there is an etiquette to walking around your neighborhood. You can’t just go barging down the sidewalk like you own it. OK, you can. You’re capable of it - you’re from Miami. But if you do everyone will hate your guts more than they do when you take up two parking spaces. Also they might possibly toilet paper your house if toilet paper still exists in a month, which seems unlikely.

So here is our advice on how to display good walking etiquette so you won’t be the neighborhood jerk.

Don’t worry about what you look like

Wear a hat if you must, but we are all officially a hot mess.

Don’t walk in giant groups

Don’t monopolize the sidewalk, estúpido. Seriously, aren’t you sick of everybody in your house yet? Don’t you want a break from them? Walk in pairs. Walk in shifts. Get away from the ones you love for a few minutes so they don’t become the ones you loathe.

Cross to the other side of the street when you see someone coming

This used to be rude. Now it’s just good manners. Plus you get more steps in and your FitBit will be proud of you.

Stop blasting music from your phone while you walk

Nobody wants to hear your reggaeton. Use ear buds.

Pay attention to cars

If you are wearing ear buds please remember this is still Miami and drivers will not think twice about running you over because they need to send that text.

Do not attempt to flag down Amazon delivery trucks

You are just gonna have to suck it up and order your own food. Hope Fresh still has something besides vegan cheese.

Wear a mask

It’s not all about you. Put it on.

Stop having lengthy conversations on the sidewalk, even if your neighbors are out for a stroll with their cute baby

You can see the kid when she’s three. Wave, chat briefly at a distance of 10 feet and move on.

Dogs, part 1

Dogs gonna dog. They are required by canine law to sniff every blade of grass so their owners are going to move slowly. Be patient and walk around them.

Dogs, part 2

You don’t need to stop and pet every dog you pass. That owner doesn’t want your breath germs all over her. Pet those dogs in September.

No selfies on the sidewalk

People are already bored with your TikTok. They don’t need more videos of you doing duckface on an empty street.

Don’t jabber on speakerphone while you walk

Seriously, you’re not interesting. Nobody wants to hear your personal conversations because they’re really, really boring. Save that for the 8 billion lonely hours you are going to be stuck in your house.

Wave at your neighbors, the lawn guys, everybody

Being friendly does not come naturally to Miami. We know it’s difficult. But try anyway.

This story was originally published April 3, 2020 at 12:00 PM.