Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Sofa Soccer

Perhaps you've been watching World Cup soccer on TV, and you're tempted to get up off the sofa and try the game yourself. Allow me, as a big believer in the benefits of exercise, to offer you these words of encouragement: Get back on the sofa.

Dave Barry

Classic '98: The ultimate threat

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I'd give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. So I was happy to learn that the federal government has decided to protect me from Microsoft.

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Manatee heaven

As a nature-lover, I enjoy seeing animals in their native wilderness habitat, provided that it is within 20 yards of plumbing and fast food. So recently I journeyed into the heart of the city of Miami (proud motto: ``No Top Elected Officials Indicted So Far This Week'') to see the wild manatees.

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Look before you eat

I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, 13, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: "Moo"). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that "it's a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year." Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that "wood ticks breathe through their butts."

Dave Barry

Classic '98: The truth will set you free

I am getting sick and tired of listening to you members of the public carping about the news media. Every time I turn on the TV or radio, they're interviewing some Typical Heartland Americans -- five or six hard-working, salt-of-the-Earth agricultural guys wearing bib overalls and baseball-style caps imprinted with the brand name of a pesticide, drinking coffee in a diner in some soybean-infested region.

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Take a bow, and another, and another

Two scenes from the Mysterious East: Scene One: A few of us were looking for dinner fairly late in downtown Nagano, and we came to a little restaurant. It looked open -- we could see men inside -- but there was a sign on the door saying, in English: ''CLOSED.''

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Trains, planes, dog food

The 1998 Winter Olympics will be held in Nagano, Japan, which was selected by the International Olympic Committee on the basis of being -- and here I quote the official IOC statement -- ``really hard to get to.''

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Bon Appetit

Today's topic is The Art of Cooking. Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first, the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw.

Dave Barry

Classic '98: Keeping abreast of the news

Recently, one of our local TV news shows in Miami did a special investigative report on -- I swear -- brassiere sizes. The station promoted this report relentlessly for several days. Every few minutes, you would hear an announcer's voice saying, with an urgency appropriate for imminent nuclear attack: ''ARE YOU WEARING THE WRONG BRA SIZE?'' You would have thought that women were dropping dead in the street by the thousands as a result of improperly sized brassieres. I was becoming genuinely concerned about this problem, despite the fact that, except on very special occasions involving schnapps, I don't even ''wear'' a brassiere.

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless

About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

@rayadverb

Dave Barry has been at the Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about everything from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Dave Barry's Blog

Dave Barry's 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless
Justin Azpiazu and Matias J. Ocner Miami Herald