Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Go Jets

I have some news that is going to cause you taxpayers to want to throw down this newspaper and dance the Funky Chicken of Joy. Here it is: The B-2 "Stealth" bomber can get wet! Hurrah! 

Dave Barry

Classic '97: News you can abuse

ANCHOR PERSON: If you're just joining our broadcast, you can tell from my somber expression and the sad music that there has been another shocking celebrity tragedy. We'll be covering it in our standard Celebrity Tragedy Format, during which we look sad and constantly remind you how tragic this situation is and repeat the only three actual pieces of news we have over and over far into the night.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Passing the test

OK, high-school students: I want you to stop piercing your noses for a moment and listen to me, because I'm going to talk to you about a topic that is more important to your future than anything else except flossing -- your SATs.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Ice fishing for a 1917 Zamboni oui will go

Ice hockey got its start in Canada, which stands to reason, because Canada has an abundant supply of the element that is most essential for the sport: Canadians. As soon as they learn to walk, Canadians strap on ice skates and get out on the nearest lake or pond. They do this even if it's the middle of summer; thousands of them drown every year. But the survivors quickly develop the toughness, the stamina, the resilience and -- above all -- the buoyancy that your top hockey players must have.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Bull market

Perhaps you wonder how come we here in the news media always make such a big deal about the Stock Market. The answer is simple: We don't understand it. We have an old saying in journalism: ''If you don't understand something, it must be important.''

Dave Barry

Classic '97: A good egg

I don't mean to get all mushy here, but I want to tell you about Earl. Earl is my pet. I got him several months ago, at my 50th birthday party, which was a quiet and relaxed affair, in stark contrast to my 30th birthday party, which I am pretty sure is still going on somewhere.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: On the anniversary of 17-0, Dave Barry reflects on the flatulence cover-up, J.J.'s intensity vs. the Shula Stare, the sports agent as Satan, and Dan Marino's soul

I'm standing in the lobby of the Miami Dolphins' swank training center at Nova Southeastern University in Davie, across the street from an apartment complex called Sunforest (actual slogan: ``A Rental Community''). I'm looking up at the wall over the front doors, which is a shrine. It's not a shrine to Dan Marino, even though he's by far the best-known, and best, player ever to play here. No, it's a shrine to the 1972 Dolphins -- the team that turned Miami into a dynasty.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Lewis and Clark stepped here!

We went West for our summer vacation. Our idea was to follow in the footsteps of the hardy explorers Lewis and Clark, who traveled 8,000 miles through hostile, uncharted wilderness, a feat that was possible only because of their great courage and the fact that they left their children at home. Otherwise, they would have quit after maybe 200 yards.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Blowing smoke

Q. Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement? A. Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Getting the bugs out

We need to immediately stop whatever we are doing, especially if it is fun, and start worrying about the Millennium Bug. Here's the situation: Because of a programming glitch, many large, powerful computers have trouble understanding dates. I can sympathize, because I had exactly the same problem with American History in the eighth grade.

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry

Dave Barry Gift Guide

Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry

About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

@rayadverb

Dave Barry has been at the Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about everything from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Dave Barry's Blog

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The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry
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