Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Classic '97: On the anniversary of 17-0, Dave Barry reflects on the flatulence cover-up, J.J.'s intensity vs. the Shula Stare, the sports agent as Satan, and Dan Marino's soul

I'm standing in the lobby of the Miami Dolphins' swank training center at Nova Southeastern University in Davie, across the street from an apartment complex called Sunforest (actual slogan: ``A Rental Community''). I'm looking up at the wall over the front doors, which is a shrine. It's not a shrine to Dan Marino, even though he's by far the best-known, and best, player ever to play here. No, it's a shrine to the 1972 Dolphins -- the team that turned Miami into a dynasty.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Lewis and Clark stepped here!

We went West for our summer vacation. Our idea was to follow in the footsteps of the hardy explorers Lewis and Clark, who traveled 8,000 miles through hostile, uncharted wilderness, a feat that was possible only because of their great courage and the fact that they left their children at home. Otherwise, they would have quit after maybe 200 yards.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Blowing smoke

Q. Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement? A. Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Getting the bugs out

We need to immediately stop whatever we are doing, especially if it is fun, and start worrying about the Millennium Bug. Here's the situation: Because of a programming glitch, many large, powerful computers have trouble understanding dates. I can sympathize, because I had exactly the same problem with American History in the eighth grade.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: The coolest vacation ever

 It's summer vacation time, and I'm sure you can't wait to jump into the family car and drive to fun and exciting new places, preferably before the family wakes up and realizes you're gone. But before you 'hit the road,'' you should make sure your car is in proper mechanical condition.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Sports blather

Perhaps you have a boring job, the kind of job where the most interesting thing that ever happens is when the vending machine gets refilled, an event that sends an electric current of excitement through the cubicles. ("Whoa! Dibs on the bagel chips!'')

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Big Yuk

Speaking for humanity, I am disturbed about "Deep Blue." As you know if you read the newspapers, "Deep Blue" is a 1972 movie about a woman with an amazing ability to . . . Whoops! My mistake!

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Queen of the Universe

IT'S A THURSDAY AFTERNOON AT the Seville Beach Hotel in Miami Beach, and about a dozen tourists have gathered to watch the Most Beautiful Women in the world emerge from the ladies' room. Here comes Miss Estonia! She's tall and blond and thin! Here comes Miss Venezuela! She's tall and blond and thin, too! Here comes Miss Croatia, and  . . . my gosh, SHE'S tall and blond and thin! Here comes Miss Australia! She's a chunky redhead!

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Throwing craps

You may have seen in the news that President Clinton (motto: "Building a Better America By Hugging'') has appointed a blue-ribbon commission to study gambling in America and find out whether it is a bad thing or what. The commission, consisting of nine experts, was given a budget of $5 million, which it immediately lost playing roulette. 

Dave Barry

Classic '97: One giant leap for frogkind

Get ready to dance naked in the streets, because scientists have finally done something that humanity has long dreamed about, but most of us thought would never happen within our lifetimes. That's right: They have levitated a frog.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Call me Ishmael

I imagine you will want to call me a courageous adventurer when I tell you how I recently encountered an actual live whale in person. In fact I encountered a group of whales, which is called a ``pod,'' or sometimes ``a group of whales.'' 

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Just her size

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Smell the roses

I have received a number of letters from readers complaining that I focus too much on ''bathroom humor,'' instead of using this forum to educate my readers about important issues that are of deep concern to our nation. OK, fine. I can take criticism, and I admit that maybe I have become somewhat fixated. So today my topic will be: China.

Dave Barry Gift Guide

Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry

About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

@rayadverb

Dave Barry has been at the Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about everything from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Dave Barry's Blog

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The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry
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