Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Undefeated Marlins head to Super Bowl

It was a beautiful day to kick off the 1997 baseball season at Pro Player Brand Of Undershorts Park. It was the kind of day that reminds you of the old traditional baseball song: So let's root, root, root for the home team; If they don't win; That's $89 million down the toilet.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Dave Barry writes a screenplay — and it's a disaster

Disaster movies are back. I watched one on TV, about asteroids slamming into the Earth and causing a devastating worldwide epidemic of bad acting. Also there are two disaster movies about volcanoes, including one set in Los Angeles, although I doubt that a volcano would faze real L.A. residents, a courageous group of people who think nothing of building luxury homes on steep hillsides made entirely of mud.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Want to discover the law of gravity? Start with a tree named Bob

Settle back, because today I'm going to tell you the dramatic true story of what happened when some Japanese researchers decided to re-create the historic discovery of the law of gravity: As you recall, this discovery occurred in an English orchard in 1666, when, according to legend, Isaac Newton, the brilliant mathematician, fell out of a tree and landed on an apple.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Ragtop man

I got a convertible. Now I know what you're going to say. You're going to say: ''Dave, you pathetic fool, you're 49 and you're having a midlife crisis. Trade that thing in immediately and get a car more suitable for a person your age, such as a 1910 Hupmobile with air bags.'

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Self-mashed potatoes

Two dramatic recent developments have demonstrated, once again, why these are such exciting times in which to be a vegetable. For openers, scientists have finally realized one of humanity's oldest dreams -- the dream of creating, in the laboratory, a potato that commits suicide.

Dave Barry

Classic '97: 'POOD': A word for tiny poodle

OK, here's a nostalgia question: What childhood game does this remind you of? ''Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick.'' If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. 

Dave Barry

Classic '97: Safe on the slopes

Here's a fun winter vacation idea: Why not go skiing? If you answered, ''Because I don't want to spend the next two years in a full-body cast,'' then I have good news: Thanks to modern, high-tech ski equipment originally developed for use by U.S. astronauts, 72 percent of all skiers are able to walk with assistance in less than 10 months!

Dave Barry

All Together: Moolah over Miami

Originally published Friday, January 10, 1997. Finally, some GOOD NEWS for Miami!  I'm talking about the Brinks truck that overturned on I-95 Wednesday, dumping hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of actual cash money onto the streets.  This is a good thing. This is a thing that we can point to with pride when the international news media start carping about how Miami is broke and corrupt and crime-ridden.

Dave Barry

Classic '96: King of the road

Here's the problem: If you stop 100 people at random and ask them to evaluate their driving ability, every single one will say ''above average.'' It is a scientific fact that all drivers, including those who are going the wrong way on interstate highways, believe they are above average.

Dave Barry

Classic '96: Fork in the etiquette road

TODAY'S ETIQUETTE TOPIC IS: Proper Table (burp) Manners. I have here a letter from Jean Gerdes, who teaches Family and Consumer Science to sixth-graders at the Donegal Middle School in Marietta, Pa. She states:  ''I would like to ask your help in teaching my students the importance of good manners."

Dave Barry

Classic '96: Nature bites back

If you're looking to get away from civilization and experience the serenity that comes from being out in nature's wilderness beauty and having the vast majority of the blood sucked out of your body, then you should rent a houseboat in the Everglades.

Dave Barry Gift Guide

Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry

About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

@rayadverb

Dave Barry has been at the Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about everything from the international economy to exploding toilets.

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Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list. That’s where this Holiday Gift Guide comes in. We sincerely believe that you will not find a collection of products this useless anywhere else. These are all real products; we did not make them up. You can actually buy them. – Dave Barry
Justin Azpiazu
Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide 5:48

Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

Dave Barry goes searching for protesters on the campaign trail 1:38

Dave Barry goes searching for protesters on the campaign trail

Guy Phillip pleads guilty in Miami 1:06

Guy Phillip pleads guilty in Miami

Meowmaste: Yoga with Cats at Miami-Dade Animal Services 1:05

Meowmaste: Yoga with Cats at Miami-Dade Animal Services