As a ranking national opinion-maker (currently in 1,539th place, between Tony Danza and Lamar Alexander), I would like to do my part for President Clinton's campaign to get teenagers to stop smoking cigarettes. Ready? Here goes:
Welcome to Komputer Korner, the column designed for technological morons such as -- no offense -- you. We can safely assume that you're a "low-tech" individual, because you're reading this article in a newspaper, which is a primitive medium invented thousands of years ago by ancient Egyptians who wanted to be able to read Ann Landers.
It was a hot, blue-sky, green-corn July day in Madison County, Iowa. I was driving along a dusty gravel road when I saw the farmhouse. Something inside me -- call it a hunch; call it an instinct; call it a deep-rooted yearning to have a good anecdote with which to start this article -- told me that this was the right place to ask directions to the Roseman covered bridge.
If you're looking for a vacation travel destination that blends excitement with huge amounts of corn, I strongly recommend Iowa. I recently spent a few days there, and I can honestly say that it was comparable to experiences I have had in sophisticated prestige travel destinations such as Paris, France, in the sense that I was not once engulfed by hog manure.
Automobiles are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they provide us with benefits that were undreamed-of in the "horse-and-buggy" days. For example, any time we get hungry, we can simply hop into the car, pull up to the drive-through window of a fast-food restaurant, purchase a tasty hot meal, spill our coffee on our thighs and sue a major corporation for millions of dollars.
I recently spent a week in Ireland, and I can honestly say that I have never been to any place in the world where it is so easy to partake of the local culture, by which I mean beer. Ireland also contains history, nice people, enormous quantities of scenery and a rich cultural heritage, including (more on this later) Elvis.
As a sensitive and artistic individual, I have spent a lot of time recently trying to figure out how I can cash in on The Bridges of Madison County. This is of course the humongous best-seller book by Robert James Edward Henry Morton "Bud" Waller. It was recently made into one of the summer's top movies, Batman Forever.
TODAY'S HEALTH TOPIC IS: How to Manage Stress. Recently I was in my office, with a lot to do, including write a column, when I got a phone call informing me that the electric company had cut off my power.
I’ve never been totally sold on the concept of Father’s Day. For one thing, it was officially declared a national holiday by Richard Nixon, so it might not even be legal. But my main problem is that I’m not sure we fathers deserve it. I believe — at risk of being arrested by the Gender Neutrality Police — that fathers in general do not have the same level of parenting skills as mothers.
I'm on Day 15, or possibly Day 73, of a nine-billion-city book tour. I'm surviving on two major food groups: The Bagel Group, and The Cream Cheese Group. I drink hot coffee constantly as I ride from interview to interview. I spill a lot on myself. This is good: It keeps me awake.
There's nothing quite like putting the whole family into the car and hitting the open road, leaving your worries behind, driving mile after carefree mile, sometimes getting as many as three carefree miles before everybody in the car hates everybody else and gunfire breaks out in the back seat.
It's time for Part Two of my two-part series on the exciting, dramatic and -- above all -- tax-deductible Alaskan Adventure trip I took earlier this spring. As you recall, in Part One, which appeared last week, I recounted the events of my first day in Alaska, during which virtually nothing happened.