Dave Barry’s 2020 Holiday Gift Guide
The holidays are here again, so let’s all sing a fun traditional holiday song:
“Oh you better watch out, you better not cry
“You better not pout, I’m telling you why
“Because these activities may spread the coronavirus
“Also Santa Claus will not be physically coming to town.”
As you can see, we have modified the lyrics a bit to reflect the fact that the holidays will be different this year. But just because we’re in the midst of a global pandemic, that doesn’t mean we can’t have a festive holiday season full of joy, merriment and wassail. We can still have those things, although we’re not sure we really want “wassail,” which sounds like some kind of intestinal disorder.
But the point is, we can celebrate the holidays, but we need to take certain precautions this year. Specifically we need to follow the Centers for Disease Control’s pandemic holiday guidelines, which include:
MISTLETOE: Everyone within 25 feet of a mistletoe sprig must wear a hazmat suit.
CHRISTMAS TREES: According to the CDC, it is “unlikely” that the coronavirus can be transmitted via Christmas trees, but out of an abundance of caution, CDC guidelines state that you should keep your tree quarantined outdoors “until all the needles fall off, or Easter, whichever is later.”
CAROLING: When singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” carolers should stop after Day Ten, to avoid the emission of saliva droplets caused by singing the words “pipers piping.” Also, in “Deck the Halls” carolers should sing the “fa la la la la” parts directly into their elbows.
EGGNOG: If you’re planning to serve eggnog in a communal punch bowl, CDC guidelines state that your eggnog recipe should “meet the same requirement for alcohol content — 60 percent or higher — as hand sanitizer.”
CANDLES: There should be no candles within 250 feet of the eggnog.
FRUITCAKE: Under no circumstances should you allow fruitcake into your home. This is not because of the coronavirus. This is because, according to the CDC, “fruitcake sucks.” Also you should go easy on the figgy pudding, because — again, quoting the CDC — “That stuff will give you a bad case of wassail.”
Of course these are just a few of the CDC’s holiday guidelines, which run to 237 pages in the full document, titled “Let’s Have A Fun Holiday Season By Reducing Our Risk Of Death.” We urge you to read the whole thing, maybe after a couple of eggnogs.
But there is one tradition that will not change this holiday season: Our annual Holiday Gift Guide, which for the past 200 consecutive years has been named “World’s Best Gift Guide” by both the United Nations Security Council and the Corleone Family.
What is our secret?
We can answer that question with a single word: “hard work.” We don’t do any. Instead, what we do is passively receive gift suggestions from random people on the Internet, and then — in a process that can take as long as 10 minutes — order the products that have just the right balance of affordability and stupidity.
All of the products in this Gift Guide are, tragically, real. And all of them have been subjected to our strict quality-control test, in which we hold them up and release them from a height of 4 feet to determine whether they conform to the Law of Gravity.
Only those products that pass this rigorous test are included in this Gift Guide, which is why every one is backed by our famous Totally Legal Guaranteed Warranty of Customer Assurance, which states: “If you purchase one of these products, and you are for any reason less than 100 percent satisfied, we can legally assure you that our reaction will be, quote, ‘No kidding.’”
But enough with the legalities. Let’s get to the items that made the cut for our 2020 Holiday Gift Guide, starting with:
UMBRELLA HAT
$9.99 from Amazon.com (prices may vary)
Nobody likes to get rained on, but at the same time nobody likes to have to carry around an umbrella. What is the solution, you ask? If you will just shut up for a second we will tell you.
The solution is this brilliantly engineered umbrella hat. When folded, it is an easily portable object about the size and weight of a dead frozen squirrel. But when you unfurl it, voila (French for “holy crap”) it becomes a piece of headgear that sort of protects you from the rain, while at the same time leaving your hands free to make gestures. And trust us, when you hear people commenting on your umbrella hat, you will be making MANY gestures.
DOG MUSTACHE
$12.95 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com (price may vary), suggested by George H. Johnston IV of York, Pa.
One of the reasons we love dogs is that dogs will cheerfully go along with pretty much any idiot form of amusement we dream up. We can teach them stupid tricks, put them in ridiculous costumes, make them sit patiently with treats balanced on their noses — dogs will let us do anything! At least for now.
At some point, possibly in the near future, they will become fed up. Some human, somewhere, will put a tutu on a Rottweiler for an Instagram post, and the Rottweiler will be like: “No! Enough is enough!” The rebellion will quickly spread as dogs everywhere rise up against their human owners and rip out our throats and take over the planet and form a new dominant social order based on weewee.
But until then, we can still have fun with dogs. That leads us to the dog mustache, which is a rubber ball with a rubber mustache attached. The idea is, the dog holds the ball in its mouth, and it looks like the dog has a mustache! Ha ha! This is a great gift idea for the dog owners on your list.
Unless they own a Rottweiler.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: We here at the Gift Guide were unable to get any actual dogs to hold this item in their mouths in such a way that it looked like a dog mustache, so we had to Photoshop the picture. So if you buy this product, you will probably be disappointed.
LEGAL ADDENDUM: This is also true of everything else in this gift guide.
CRAPPING CATS WALL CALENDAR
$23.95 from Amazon.com (price may vary), suggested by Alexander Mas
Here’s a tasteful gift that will add “a touch of class” to the home of anybody on your holiday gift list who, for whatever insane reason, likes cats. This item is — and here we will directly quote the eloquently descriptive words of the creator, Bo Winston — “a calendar of pooping cats.” It consists of 12 photos of cats pooping, “along with their names and country of origin.”
WARNING: If you decide to purchase this item, be sure that you are getting the original version. According to Bo Winston, unscrupulous plagiarizers have produced “knockoff, low-budget, blurry copycat calendars” that are nothing more than photocopies of Bo’s calendars.
Imagine if you gave a calendar to your friends or loved ones, and they discovered that, instead of original images of pooping cats, you had given them cheap knockoff images of pooping cats. They would lose their respect for you. Assuming they have any now.
OZZY OSBOURNE PLUSH BAT WITH REMOVABLE HEAD
$40 plus shipping and handling from Ozzy.com, suggested by Ralph Kirshner of New Hampton, N.H.
Leading historians all agree that one of the most significant events in the pantheon of human cultural achievement occurred on Jan. 20, 1982, when Ozzy Osbourne, appearing in concert at the Veterans Memorial Auditorium in Des Moines, Iowa, bit the head off a live bat. Ozzy claims that, at the time, he thought it was a toy bat, and did not realize it was alive until — to quote his memoirs — “the head in my mouth twitched.”
It was a historic moment, comparable to the moon landing or the invention of Cheez-Its. Yet tragically — we blame the educational system — many young people today know nothing of Ozzy Osbourne’s actions on that night, which for the record ended with Ozzy in the hospital getting rabies shots.
Here at the Gift Guide we believe that our young people need to be reminded of the pioneers who blazed the path to where we stand, however unsteadily, today. That is why we are proud to feature this plush toy bat, which is being sold by the official Ozzy Osbourne online store to commemorate the 38th anniversary of the original live decapitation. The plush bat’s head is attached by Velcro, so it can be removed and reattached again and again for hours of educational fun.
You’ll want to give this item to every young person on your holiday gift list. You should probably sterilize it first.
BUG PANTS
$12.95 from Amazon.com, suggested by Laurie Bobskill of West Springfield, Mass.
Here’s an item for the person on your list who wants to look fashionable and, at the same time, not contract malaria. These stylish pants are made from mosquito netting. You can wear them over your regular pants or, if your municipality has lenient laws governing indecent exposure, directly over your underwear. Either way, you will definitely attract attention.
Bug pants are the perfect wardrobe “look” for any occasion, from a backyard barbecue with family and friends to a formal job interview with high-level corporate executives who for whatever reason have chosen to interview you at a backyard barbecue. Bug pants also make a great “first impression” on a blind date, clearly broadcasting the romantic and sexually explosive message: “I am concerned about bloodsucking insects.”
FACT: These are the only bug pants endorsed by both Taylor Swift and Beyoncé.
FAKE YOGA MAT BEER CARRIER
$29.99 plus shipping and handling from Trinkenstore.com, suggested by John Lobert of Cary, N.C.
Yoga makes people relax and feel good. Beer also makes people relax and feel good. Yet in many public places, yoga is considered to be an acceptable activity, while beer consumption is frowned upon by the legal authorities.
Is there a remedy for this flagrant violation of our basic human rights? Yes there is. In the words of the unanimous 14-0 U.S. Supreme Court decision in the case of Gesundheit vs. Hamsterlicker, “you should hide your beer in a fake yoga mat.”
Far be it from this Gift Guide to defy the highest court in the land. That’s why in this year’s guide we’re including this fake yoga mat beer carrier, which can hold six cans of beer and keep them cold. As far as we know you cannot use it as an actual yoga mat. But we frankly can’t imagine why you would want to, since you have beer.
TOILET TAG GAME
$25 from Amazon.com, suggested by John Lobert of Cary, N.C.
Everybody spends time on the toilet. Sadly, for most of us, this is a solitary, non-social activity. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were some way to make it an intimate experience that you could share with a romantic partner?
If your answer is “yes,” there is something seriously wrong with you.
No, wait, we mean: If your answer is “yes,” then this is the perfect gift for you or some romantic couple on your holiday list.
The Toilet Tag Game is a spiral-bound pack of toilet-tissue-shaped cards that you keep next to a commode used by both you and your partner. Each time you sit down (the instructions recommend that men sit down to pee) (really) you flip over a card and write your answers to questions such as: “If you can only fill your plate with 3 types of food on Thanksgiving and can’t go back for seconds, what’s on your plate?”
The next time your partner uses the toilet, he or she reads your answer, and then puts his or her own answer. Fun, right? Some of the cards go into intimate topics, such as: “The best sex we ever had was that one time we...”
Talk about romantic! This is EXACTLY the kind of thing we want to be doing on the commode! If you agree, you will definitely want to buy Toilet Tag. Also a whole lot of hand sanitizer.
PYTHON BEDDING SET
$95.95 plus shipping and handling from Tee4lives.com, suggested by Peter Metrinko of Gainesville, Va.
Who doesn’t love snakes? Nobody, that’s who. Everybody loves snakes! And that is why everybody on your holiday gift list would be thrilled to receive this lovely bedding set, which features a colorful print depicting a mass of large green tree pythons entwined with each other.
But it’s more than just an attractive bed covering; it’s also a source of mental comfort. Let’s say you have a bad nightmare. You wake up in the dark, sweating and terrified. You grope for your bedside lamp, find the switch and turn it on. You look down and see the calming and reassuring image of massive snake bodies swarming all over you. Nighty night! Sleep tight!
REMOTE-CONTROL CROCODILE HEAD
$56.99 from Amazon.com, suggested by Dave Nevers of Berwyn, Ill.
Here’s the perfect gift for anybody on your holiday list who lives in a semi-tropical region and enjoys inducing heart attacks. This is a motorized floating crocodile head that can be steered via remote control. Imagine the fun that a prankster could have at a lake or river, steering the crocodile head into the midst of a group of unwary bathers!
We have it on good authority that the U.S. Navy has purchased 17,000 of these units. Do not ask us to reveal why.
HAIRY-LEG LEGGINGS
$25.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, suggested by Peter Metrinko of Gainesville, Va.
Most of us have somebody on our holiday list who’s hard to shop for — somebody who “already has everything.” Perhaps you have such a person on your list.
Well, ask yourself this question: Does that person have legs? If your answer is “yes,” then we have the perfect gift for him or her, in the form of these hairy-leg leggings. These are — follow us closely here — leggings that make the wearer’s legs appear to be hairy. They have so many practical uses that we cannot even begin to list them here.
Do not be fooled by imitation hairy leggings! These are the only ones authorized by the National Football League.
This story was originally published December 3, 2020 at 8:00 AM.