From Play-Doh cologne to a bread pillow: Here’s Dave Barry’s 2024 Holiday Gift Guide
What is the true meaning of the holiday season?
To answer that question, let’s consider the words to the classic 16th century English Christmas carol “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” specifically verse two, which states:
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding
And bring it right here!
These words teach us that in 16th-century England, during the holidays, if you were at home minding your own business, your front door might suddenly be blocked by a mob of people—who, being English, had been hitting the sauce pretty hard—demanding that you provide them with a specific dessert item. And you had better comply, because as the next verse states:
We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some
So bring some out here!
So if you didn’t have figgy pudding on hand, you would have to sneak out the back door and find some, which would have been difficult because, according to many historians, 16th-century England did not have Costco.
So the lesson of this traditional carol is: You need to be prepared for the holidays, because otherwise drunken English persons might burn down your house.
And that is the spirit behind our annual Holiday Gift Guide. This is a painstakingly curated collection of unique items designed to take the worry and guesswork out of your holiday gift buying. When you buy one of these items, you don’t have to wonder whether it’s an appropriate gift: You KNOW it’s not. That is our holiday promise to you.
Every item on this list is a real product that you can actually buy. We know this because we purchased these items ourselves, and we subjected each one to our rigorous three-step quality testing procedure:
STEP 1: We receive the item.
STEP 2: We examine the item.
STEP 3: We seriously question our life choices.
It is because of this rigorous procedure that we are able to offer you our Holiday Gift Guide Satisfaction Guarantee, which states: If you purchase any item featured in this guide, and you are for any reason not 100 percent satisfied with it, we will have professional thugs threaten to beat the crap out of the manufacturer. That is how strong our holiday spirit is.
And that is why we are proud to present this year’s Holiday Gift Guide, starting with:
NOSE AEROBICS BASKETBALL GAME
$4.99 plus shipping from offthewagonshop.com
Here’s the perfect gift for the athlete or physical-fitness “nut” on your holiday list. This is a pair of cheap fake glasses that have a little pole sticking out the front with a “basket” on the end and a ball dangling from a string. The object of the game is to jerk your head up and down in an attempt to get the ball to go into the basket. Not only does this exercise your head-jerking muscles, but it also makes you look like an exceptionally stupid idiot.
Yes, this is a gift that will provide literally seconds of entertainment for some lucky recipient. As the package states, it’s “the only sport you play with your face!” We are not going to touch that line.
BUG-KISSING LIPS
$24.99 plus shipping from amazon.com, suggested by Ron Troyer of Cape Vincent, N.Y.
Insects are all around us, yet most of us rarely interact with them, other than to swat them or stomp them into little green sidewalk splats.
But what if instead of killing them we want to kiss them? This is a question that no sane human, to our knowledge, has ever asked. But we have the answer here, in the form of this bug-kissing device.
One side of this device is a pacifier-type mouthpiece, and the other side is a prong sticking out with a miniature pair of lips at the end. The idea is you put the pacifier in your mouth then lean over and gently touch the lips to the insect’s lips.
We are assuming here that insects have lips. We are also assuming that the insect will remain stationary and calmly accept your kiss, instead of becoming alarmed and flying or crawling away, or stinging you in the eyeball. That’s certainly what we would do if we were an insect and some gigantic looming creature attempted to kiss us, and we had a stinger.
Nevertheless we’re sure this is the perfect gift for the person on your holiday list who wants to engage in acts of physical intimacy with insects, for whatever sick disgusting filthy perverted reason. Here at the Gift Guide, we do not judge.
PISTOL-SHAPED FRIED-EGG MOLD
$18.99 plus shipping from amazon.com
What is more boring than a fried egg? Nothing, that’s what. “As boring as a fried egg” is an expression we have all heard too many times to count.
And that’s why we’re so pleased to present this exciting gift idea. This is a fried-egg mold that is shaped like what the package describes as a “Wild West Pistol,” so that instead of an old-fashioned ho-hum round fried egg, you can serve a “Rough And Ready Breakfast” in the form of a fried egg that looks like a firearm. It allegedly also does pancakes.
We believe that it is only a matter of time before this concept catches on and all your top gourmet restaurants start serving weapon-shaped food (“Our special tonight is flounder à la AR-15”).
We cannot imagine a more thoughtful gift for the aspiring chef on your gift list. This year, give the gift that sends the cheerful holiday breakfast message: “Hands up!”
PLAY-DOH COLOGNE
$23.95 plus shipping from amazon.com
Do you have a man or woman on your holiday gift list? And would you like that person to smell like a preschool classroom? If you do—and who doesn’t?—this is the gift you’re looking for.
This is a spray cologne designed to smell like Play-Doh. It smells a LOT like Play-Doh, and it smells like a LOT of Play-Doh, if you know what we mean. What we mean is, if you spray this cologne on yourself, you will pretty much reek of Play-Doh.
The manufacturer states that the “fragrance is meant for highly-creative people who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood.”
And that makes this is the perfect cologne to wear on a romantic date at a swanky restaurant. It’s a fragrance that says to the person you’re with: “After we enjoy this gourmet meal and drink this excellent wine, let’s go to my place, get comfortable, and engage—as two consenting creative adults—in arts and crafts.”
BREAD PILLOW
$25.99 plus delivery from amazon.com
Here’s the ideal gift for anyone on your gift list who would enjoy having a home decor element that resembles a baked good. This is a pillow made to look like a very large loaf of bread.
This pillow has countless practical uses. The manufacturer states that it is “the perfect gift choice for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or various holiday decorations, to give you a warm companionship. Bread plush cushions can be found anywhere, such as beds, sofas, chairs, bikes, home decor, holiday dresses, etc., a very interesting experience.”
We are in 100 percent agreement with that statement, whatever it may mean. That is why this holiday season, we urge you to surprise some lucky individual on your list with the gift of a bread-shaped pillow—a gift that is sure to elicit a heartfelt reaction from the individual, specifically: “Huh?” But in a good way.
HANS GRUBER FALLING TO HIS DEATH ADVENT CALENDAR
$9.99 plus shipping from amazon.com; many versions available
The holiday season is a time of traditions, and few are more cherished than watching the traditional holiday movie “Die Hard,” in which New York police detective John McClane, played by Bruce Willis, engages in a taut and suspenseful game of cat and mouse with the Ghost of Christmas Past.
No, sorry, that’s a different holiday movie. In “Die Hard” John McClane engages in a taut and suspenseful game of cat and mouse with evil diabolical criminal mastermind Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman. In the movie’s climax, a bloodied but triumphant McClane watches as Gruber falls to his death from the Nakatomi Plaza office tower. It’s a classic scene, and it inspired some imaginative person—we are using “imaginative” in the sense of “deeply disturbed”—to create this Advent calendar, which enables you to count down the days to Christmas by gradually moving a Hans Gruber figure down the side of the Nakatomi building.
This is a gift that will bring enjoyment to everyone on your list, assuming that nobody on your list has a shred of human decency. Because nothing says “Happy Holidays!” like a plummeting villain.
VOICE DAMPENER
$32.99 plus shipping from amazon.com
Here’s a wonderful gift to give when you want to express the thoughtful holiday message: “You are too loud.”
This is a device that you hold against your mouth to make your voice quieter. The manufacturer states that the voice dampener is “perfect for warming up, singing training, vocal practice, poetry reading, etc. Besides, it’s also great for stress relief. Just shout into it to release tension, then you will regain happiness without disturbing others.”
That’s right: Imagine how much more enjoyable poetry readings would be if you could not actually hear the poets. The same can be said for opera, cable TV news, most office conversations and all political speeches.
What we’re saying is the world needs more voice dampeners. We think you should buy extras and hand them to people who are carrying on loud cellphone conversations in public. Or if you get into a heated argument with a spouse or loved one, you could present him or her with a voice dampener as a “peace offering.” He or she is bound to appreciate this thoughtful gesture. Let us know how it goes.
STD COLORING BOOK
$5.99 plus shipping from amazon.com
Every now and then we come across a gift item that not only grabs our attention, but also makes us want to spray a powerful disinfectant on our eyeballs. This is such an item. It’s a coloring book containing explicit line drawings of a variety of venereal diseases, including, according to the publisher, “Genital Warts, Syphilis, Gonorrhea and More!”
Talk about a fun and heartwarming holiday activity! But it’s not just entertaining: It’s also educational. As one Amazon reviewer wrote: “I had an STD but didn’t know which one I had but this book helped me figure it out! Turns out it was genital warts!”
What a happy story! Yes, this truly is a unique gift, a gift that says to that special someone on your holiday list: “When I saw these illustrations of disgusting infections, I thought of you.”
HIDEOUSLY UGLY PANTS
$26.95 plus shipping from temu.com, suggested by Ralph Kirshner of New Hampton, N.H.
Here’s a great gift for the young, fashion-conscious person on your list who wishes to become visually less attractive.
Ugly pants are a popular fashion trend, dating back to the invention of “distressed” jeans. What happened was a malfunction at a clothing factory caused the machines to spit out a bunch of jeans that were full of rips and holes. The workers were about to throw them away, when one of the executives—let’s call him Bob—had an idea.
”Let’s sell them!” he said.
The other executives were skeptical.
”But Bob,” they said, “why would people spend good money for jeans that appear to have been attacked by irate wolverines?”
”Because people are stupid,” said Bob. He was in marketing.
And he was absolutely correct: Distressed jeans were a fashion hit. Soon millions of people were walking around wearing jeans that were 20 percent denim and 80 percent holes.
Fast-forward to the present, when the stupid-pants trend has mutated well beyond rips and holes. Today, young people are wearing a wide range of ugly pants, some of which—like the pair we have chosen for this gift guide—appear to have been infected by some kind of toxic tropical fungal growth. You can find many other hideous pant styles on the Internet. Most of these pants are manufactured by people in China. We bet they think this is hilarious.
TWO-PERSON PEANUT HEADPIECE
$35.99 plus shipping from amazon.com
Do you have two people on your holiday gift list who enjoy wearing unique attire and would not mind being attached together by their heads? If you do, then this is the gift you have been searching for.
This is a two-person headpiece shaped like a peanut, because why the hell not. But it’s not just visually striking: It’s a romantic way for a couple in love to demonstrate their desire to remain physically connected at all times, such as when walking around, doing yoga, dining, dancing, bowling and going to the dentist.
We have it on good authority that many top celebrities employ this headpiece in all of their romantic relationships, although for legal reasons we cannot reveal their names. (Taylor Swift.)