Miami actually lost weight during quarantine, a new study says. Our pants disagree

You know how your pants protest every time you try to squeeze into them because you couldn’t stop eating during quarantine?

A new study says you’re imagining things.

Miami residents, according to Withings, a French consumer electronics company, actually lost weight during the coronavirus quarantine. That roll around your waist is clearly an optical illusion. Go ahead. Have another donut.

Withings analyzed aggregated data from more than two million of its users, with 1,000 users in each city, from March 22 until May 15. The data showed that the average number of steps residents took during that quarantine period decreased everywhere a bit except for Indianapolis. The very walkable New York, not surprisingly, was down 29 percent. Even Miami, where we remain unafraid to get in the car to visit our next-door neighbors, was down 12 percent.

People in Indianapolis were obviously walking to the refrigerator, because they put on more weight than any other city. But surprisingly, four cities actually lost weight during the two-month stretch despite the drop in steps: Miami, Philadelphia, Boston and San Francisco.

We can’t speak for those other cities. But we suspect Miami lost weight due to anxiety-fueled walks around our neighborhoods, during which we burned calories by yelling at our neighbors for getting too close, not wearing masks, throwing their gloves on the ground or breathing in our general direction. Also, our proximity to pastelitos was impaired. That had to help.

The truth is, though, Withings found little evidence that any of the American cities it analyzed put on much extra weight. Even Indianapolis only put on a little more than half a pound on average. That happens to us every time we drive past Night Owl Cookies even if we don’t get out of the car.

So we’re glad this image of us lolling on our couches with each fist in an open bag of Cool Ranch Doritos has been dispelled. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to plan tonight’s takeout order since we’re clearly too skinny.