Does this mask make me look fat? No, Miami. It makes you look amazing, and here’s why

You look hot in that mask.

No, really. Hot, in all senses of the word.

Hot because summer is here and walking around town with a mask on is making you sweat and swear and wonder why you ventured out of your safe, air-conditioned, COVID-free home.

Hot because not giving us the ’rona is sexy.

Miami-Dade County and its slightly less ratchet sister Broward are re-opening this week in the wake of the coronavirus quarantine, and masks play a big part in the reopening. You are required to wear a mask pretty much everywhere in Miami: restaurants, airports, stores, offices, hair salons and barber shops, museums.

There are still things you can’t do in this phase of reopening, but you are permitted to complain about having to wear a mask. We are sick of hearing about it, but go ahead. Get it out of your system. Nobody likes wearing masks, so whine away, but only if you complained this much when you learned you had to wear shoes inside most establishments. Not wearing a mask makes you the facial equivalent of a pata sucia, and if you have lived in Miami for more than a day you know this is not a desirable state.

Besides, if you don’t wear a mask, we run the risk of getting locked down again, and seriously, we cannot watch one more minute of virtual anything ever again. Quarantine fatigue is real.

So suck it up and put on your mask, because there are so many advantages to walking around with fabric obstructing your every breath.

It’s a fashion statement

You can wear a mask to proclaim your love for the Miami Heat or the Miami Dolphins or the Miami Marlins (LOL). You can wear a mask with dogs or cats or pickles or roses or skulls or sailboats or the album cover of “Born to Run” on it. You can design your own mask with the help of a graffiti artist in Miami. The possibilities are endless. And let’s face it, these artisan masks are more attractive than some of the faces out there.

Nobody can judge you on your looks

Well, they can’t judge most of your face, anyway. This is Miami, so they will still be judging your eyebrows and everything from the neck down.

You get to feel superior

You may not be that nice of a person, but you can seem caring and thoughtful just by strapping elastic around your ears. Even though you will cut off anyone in traffic without a second thought, even if it’s your mother or God.

You don’t have to waste money on Botox

You don’t even need to shoot it into your forehead. With a mask on, your forehead is your only way of expressing yourself. Unless you come from a culture in which flailing your hands around as you speak is required. In that case go ahead with the Botox.

You finally have a reason to learn to do a smoky eye

Your cousin has been trying to teach you for years. Now you have time to learn it before the cocktail bars open.

You can hide that huge, facially disfiguring zit on your chin

You know, the one brought on by the stress of having to plan meals seven days a week and/or eating a bag of gummy worms every afternoon.

This story was originally published May 19, 2020 at 6:00 AM.