Jellyfish stings and poop warnings: The beach is reopening, and it is the worst

Miami’s beaches are finally reopening.

We know you have just grabbed a towel and your sunscreen and are waiting impatiently for Wednesday to come.

But you should not be too happy about this.

We know you think you love the beach. You believe you enjoy frolicking in the salty waves and perpetrating a tan under the unforgiving Florida sun. All these months in quarantine hiding from the coronavirus, you’ve daydreamed of making elaborate sand castles with your kids, spending quality time together away from the oppressive horrors of online school. Or maybe you hope to catch up on your reading or take a nice long nap to relax and forget the horrors of doing jigsaw puzzles.

None of these things are going to happen. Because the beach is terrible.

You have been away so long you’ve forgotten the bad parts. So let us remind you why the beach is overrated and no, we are not trying to warn you off so we can have the beach to ourselves. Why do you ask?

You have to unveil your hideous quarantine body

Do you know what you look like in a bathing suit after sitting in your house eating for a couple of months? We recommend looking in a mirror. Wait. Don’t. It’s too upsetting. We cried for three days.

Poop in the water

There is always something in the water that is trying to kill you, and usually it’s not something sexy like sharks that will look cool in your obituary. Last year beaches were always being closed on account of vast quantities of fecal matter in the water. Are you sure you want to take that swim?

Jellyfish

Getting stung by a jellyfish is super not fun, plus, if you get stung, chances are some fool will try and tell you the best cure is for someone to pee on the sting. Note: DO NOT LET ANYONE PEE ON YOU (unless of course you are both consenting adults, then do whatever and please don’t tell us). Urine does not actually help and may make matters worse. Worse than the indignity of being peed on.

Seaweed is gross

It is slimy and nasty, and it always brushes against you when you’re trying to swim. We can’t believe we eat this stuff on sushi rolls.

There’s always a smoker next to you

Hunted down in droves like the last buffalo, smokers love the beach because they can inhale refreshing hot fire in 95-degree temperatures. They can’t smoke anywhere else, so they’re going to blaze up six feet away from you. And smoke doesn’t respect social distance. Better keep that mask on.

Sand is terrible

Sand always works its way into places you don’t want it to be. You know where there’s no sand? That inflatable backyard pool your ordered when you realized spring was canceled. There are a million mosquito larvae in it waiting to hatch and give you the Zika. But there is no sand.

Nobody knows how to operate a trash can

Remember all those photos of the pristine shore when we were not permitted to go near it? It’s a pleasant memory now. Within 30 seconds of reopening every beach will look like Mount Trashmore because people in Miami don’t understand the whole mysterious process of how to put trash in a can.

Other people’s music

Everybody else has terrible musical taste, and you are going to be subjected to all of it at a very loud volume.

Other people

They are loud and, as they are from Miami, they are unaware that actual other people exist on the planet. Fifteen minutes on the beach, and you’ll be ready for Quarantine Part 2.

This story was originally published June 9, 2020 at 6:00 AM.