These things sustained us in coronavirus quarantine. Now it’s May, and we hate them all

When the coronavirus pandemic revved up in March and quarantine began, we were sad but valiant. Sure, we had to cancel vacations, occasions, reservations. But we found much to sustain us, and not all of that was wine.

Now, as weeks progress and despair is our frequent companion, we hate everything that sustained us.

Quarantine fatigue is real, and not necessarily because we long to spend quality time with thousands of strangers in public places. Quarantine fatigue also happens even if you plan to stay home, because everything that brought us a sense we’d get through this are officially driving us crazy. We’re not saying we’re ready to work on a jigsaw puzzle or put on a bra yet, but it’s getting a little grim around here.

There are still a few things getting us through. Good books. Music. Takeout. Sweatpants. But if we could put an end to each item on the following list, life might seem less bleak.

Virtual meetings

At first they seemed like a good substitute for the real thing because pants weren’t required. But we had no idea it would take this long for people to learn to mute themselves when they aren’t talking. Also we can’t muster up the strength to draw on our eyebrows any longer.

Zoom happy hours

The first few weeks, getting those Zoom invitations made us feel so popular. But we are all caught up with everyone from our family to our grade school friends to those girls from Zumba class. We can now return to drinking alone.

Talking on the phone like it’s 1989

Week 1 of quarantine: [call everyone you know daily, including exes and old high school friends]

Week 4: [still calling your mom every day and not complaining about it]

Week 8: [refuse to answer the phone when it rings, knowing full well you don’t have an excuse for not answering because you’re sitting there doing nothing]

WhatsApp chats

We are tired of fact checking people who get their news from memes.

Drive-by celebrations

Honestly, it’s a lot of work for a 15-second experience. Also, we’re done giving away toilet paper as a joke gift.

Baking bread

Our keto life has been over since March 18 and we thought the hunt for yeast could be exciting. But we’re so depressed now not even fresh baked ciabatta rolls can pull us out of our funk. We’ll eat store-brand Cheese puffs and call it good.

Walking

Remember in week 3 when you were convinced that all that walking you were doing was going to help you drop a few pounds? Now you know the truth.

Not commuting

Did we really just say we miss traffic? Is this what it has come to?

Binge-watching Netflix

We have watched everything including “The Goop Lab” and that has pretty much killed TV for us. Also brain cells.

Pretending we’re going to clean the house

Those dead ants on the floor can just stay there until fall.

Live Insta events, even with people we generally like

Stop making us feel like everybody is having fun but us.

Quarantine Goals

Not gonna happen.

Existing

Wake us when it’s over.