Pivot to pants: Here’s what to remember before leaving coronavirus quarantine in Miami

The time has come to think about leaving quarantine.

Not actually leaving it — we are nowhere near ready to get up off the couch. Also we are not fans of “suffering and death.” But quarantine fatigue is real, and we’re willing to at least consider the possibility of leaving our zip code.

After all this time in our homes, venturing out seems dangerous and terrifying, like walking barefoot around Wynwood or eating a three-eyed fish you caught in a Hialeah canal. But as Miami-Dade begins to re-open, some of you will be tempted to peek out the front door and see what’s happening in the world outside.

But before you do that, you need to understand that your time at home has changed you. It has made you into something savage and new, unlikely to remember the relative civility under which we live. Ha! Civility. No, we were kidding. Nobody is civil in Miami.

Thanks to weeks of isolation, you may have forgotten certain realities of life in the 305. So here are few things to remember before you leave your quarantine:

Pivot to pants

There’s no getting around it. You’re going to have to put on pants if you venture forth. And if you have been eating like we have — which is to say all day every day — chances are trying to get that zipper up is going to be a challenge.

If you’re a woman, you’re going to have to find those bras you tossed aside so happily in March. So maybe just stay home where sweatpants are king and nobody is looking at your rack.

Driving in Miami

You may have taken your car for quick trips to the grocery store or around the block a few times to get away from your quarantinemates. Now it’s time to get back on the highway. Don’t worry: If you have forgotten what Miami drivers are like, they will quickly remind you. And apparently they have become even more lawless during quarantine.

Save on gas. Stay home.

Dining out

When the restaurants reopen, you will have to adapt to changes in your dining experience.

You will have to be careful. You will have to think about other people. You may have to wear a mask. You might have to endure heckling from an aggressive non-masked patron who thinks he’s George Washington (he is not; he has never been in the military). You may have to figure out how to eat with a mask. We’re not sure. But masks are definitely going to be involved in this more than you want them to be.

At your house, though, you can just shovel in the food unimpeded. Yes. We vote for this.

Talking to people in person

We have craved intelligent interaction here in quarantine for obvious reasons. But real talk: the second or third person you meet in Miami is going to remind you that being in a situation where you can mute human conversation is a good thing.

We’ll just remain at home because Zoom still works.

Getting your hair and nails done

We have suffered for months with shaggy hair, untouched roots, eyebrows like caterpillars and toenails that look like they belong on a hobbit’s feet. We feel a deep and abiding need to look good or at least not like someone who slept under a bush during a Category 3 hurricane.

On the other hand, this recliner is comfy, and these scissors work.

Returning to the office

This may be the biggest challenge of all. No more fooling around on social media. No more having long discussions with friends about your rewatch of “The Sopranos.” And those power naps are a thing of the past.

Sorry. You probably can’t stay at home if you want a paycheck. Your boss is funny about that. So be safe and don’t forget your pants.

This story was originally published May 13, 2020 at 6:00 AM.