The guy from Barstool Sports tried three Miami pizza spots. He wasn’t super impressed
Dave Portnoy did Art Basel, kind of.
The highly controversial Barstool Sports founder was in Miami for the annual global fair, but it’s not looking likely he took in any artwork, not even the banana.
Portnoy, who has been accused of cyberbullying and running a website of “online hate,” did one of the many things he is most famous for lately: Eating a pizza, then scoring it.
The NYC resident first visited Pizza Bar at 1627 Collins Avenue, emerging from the busy establishment wearing a giant bug mask, swim trunks and a matching top, unbuttoned. But since he’s, um, “El Presidente,” his fans will love him no matter what emerges from what many call a sexist boys club.
“We’re here at Art Baseele,” Portnoy barks to the camera, mispronouncing the mega-famous global art fair. “it’s where all the fancy people are walking around. If you look normal, you look like a d-bag.”
The Massachusetts native, 42, gave the burning hot, giant slice which had “some tang” a 6.1, pretty decent in his one-bite-everyone-knows-the-rules style of food reviewing. Oh, he yanked away the mask before eating.
Portnoy was next onto Andiamo with nightlife king Dave Grutman. In a hoarse, partier voice, the often politically incorrect blogger told his fans how much of a baller Grutman is: “He basically runs all of Miami.”
The LIV owner apparently invited the wildly popular visitor on his yacht, along with Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid, and out to eat at Design District restaurant Swan, where Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Penn and Jared Leto (in a blanket) all were dining, too.
“It was the sceniest place ever,” raved Portnoy, who also stayed out at LIV until 4 a.m.
“I don’t know how anyone lives in Miami,” he told Grutman. “Because no one goes to sleep.”
So how was the pie?
Andiamo’s score: 6.8 for Dave P., 8 for Dave G. (a so called rookie score, because everyone knows you don’t give round numbers).
Portnoy asked Groot if Miami was a pizza town, bypassing all talk of croquetas.
“It’s not a bad pizza place,” said the businessman. “Fair.”
The last pizza stop on the Barstool list was at DC PIE CO. in Brickell with Alec Monopoly; the two wore matching black face masks. The Miami based “incognito” artist pulled down his black surgical mask (few people have seen his mug) to chow down.
Alec’s similar rookie score of 6.0 upset the self appointed food critic, who scored a “good, not great” 7.1.
Monopoly, known for his pieces inspired by the iconic board game, tried to readjust his score, but Portnoy wasn’t having it.
“These Miami guys,” he said. “They think they can make the rules.”
You don’t know the half of it, bro.
So, does Portnoy know about anything about pizza besides how much “tang” and “flop” it has? Maybe, maybe not.
All we all know he has enough e-cred with his daily reviews and questionable Internet stardom to open a restaurant in NYC’s East Village.
It’ll be a pizzeria, naturally. The working name is an homage to the line Portnoy utters to his regular cameraman when his boss emerges from a pizza joint with a square box ready to eat (and score).
“Alright Frankie.”
This story was originally published December 12, 2019 at 2:52 PM.
