I am a selfish idiot. Can I shamelessly skip the line for a COVID vaccine in Miami?

In Miami, trying to cut the vaccine line is the new black.

Everybody wants to be rid of the rona, and this being Miami, people are willing to do anything to get that vaccine and get it fast. There are bars open and drinks to be thoughtlessly consumed! TikToks to be made! Gold-wrapped steaks to be devoured!

Elderly Florida residents, who have priority after medical personnel, can sign up for a vaccine. But getting a slot has been about as easy as finding a parking spot in Coconut Grove on Presidents’ Day weekend. OK, maybe not this year. But still hard.

And sure, there are some people who are afraid of getting the vaccine, even though we have seen photos of them passed out on the floor of Churchill’s bathroom after filling their bodies with God Only Knows What.

But mostly, everybody under 75 is getting impatient, and ever-grifting Miami has never been good at waiting its turn. So people are willing to trade children, grandchildren, pets, organs, Cuban cigars, plane tickets, those Danish cookie boxes that never actually hold cookies, courtside Heat seats and their dignity just to scam their way to the head of the line.

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions to help you find out whether you can be one of them.

I am super rich! Can I get a vaccine fast pass?

Yes! Rich donors are BAE to hospitals.

I am an underpaid public school teacher who spends my own money on supplies and deals with unmotivated students and obnoxious parents. Can I get vaccinated soon so I don’t die doing my job?

No. Even though we learned in 2020 that our children are terrible, the state of Florida is not prepared to keep you alive just yet.

We are young tech bros moving to Miami from Silicon Valley because California bars are closed and also taxes. We will reinvent Miami! But first, can we get the vaccine?

Absolutely, tech bros. We are sure you will love it here. But we are almost positive you could get it faster in Cupertino.*

* We are not positive about this at all, but this line is already too long here.

Can we reinvent Miami after?

You can try, at least until the next Cat 5.

We are elderly and don’t use a computer. How can we sign up to get an appointment?

You can’t. You’ll have to take your chances with the virus or bribe your grandson with the PS5 you said was too expensive. Maybe he’ll sign you up.

I am a successful 50something New York real estate mogul who winters in Brickell. What are my chances of getting the shot?

Unfortunately, they’re probably pretty good, and everyone in Miami hates you for it.

I host superspreader parties at Airbnbs around Miami. Am I eligible for the vaccine?

You need a different kind of shot.

I am an Instagram influencer with expensive breast implants. Will either of these things get me to the front of the line?

Only at the club.

I am the model who licked the toilet seat in the coronavirus challenge video. Am I famous enough to get my shot now?

Girl, you need more than a COVID vaccine.

I am Pitbull. Can I jump the line?

Yes. Dale.

This story was originally published January 8, 2021 at 6:00 AM.