Open letter to the Saharan Dust Cloud: Be our boo and save Miami from a hurricane
Dear Saharan Dust Cloud: U up?
Come on over. Take your time. Stay awhile.
Normally, we admit, we would not be so eager to have you flowing through our atmosphere and setting up shop in our sinuses. Breathing is already tricky enough here in Miami these days, what with the heat, every damn plant in the world in bloom and our newest resident, Mr. Coronavirus, forcing us into masks 24/7.
We’re also reaching for a bag to breathe into every time we wonder if our kids are really going back to school or if we’ll ever see the Miami Marlins play baseball again. JK! We haven’t watched the Marlins since Josh Beckett was proudly wearing the teal. But the school thing makes us anxious.
Anyway, breathing is hard, and you have been known to make it worse. But all is forgiven now. This is hurricane season, and there are weather threats on the horizon. And all that stands between them and us is . . . you.
We have learned from our Miami patron, St. Bryan of Norcross, that you have the power to influence the intensity of any tropical monster heading our way. So from now until people start hanging Christmas lights they will leave up deep into January, we are #TeamDust.
We know you have a long journey to our fair if mildly fecal bacteria-ridden shores. You’re coming all the way from Africa, and for all we know you’re stuck in the meteorological equivalent of the middle seat.
But listen, at least you’re able to travel now. We’re not allowed to leave home because no country in its right mind wants a bunch of clueless Americans breathing their foul COVID germs all over saner citizens. And even the other states look at Floridians as if we are something nasty on the bottom of their flip flops, which, let’s face it, we kind of are.
So we’re not going anywhere, and we need you now. Like right now. We cannot face a tropical menace and the COVID at the same time. We are ready, armed with a fashionable array of protective masks thanks to our easily bored friends. We are watching the Cone of Death. We stand waiting to open our hearts and nasal passages to you.