Opinion: I am a Miami peacock. And I am not the freaking problem in Coconut Grove

In these days of easy chicken sandwiches on every corner, it’s hard out here for a bird.

And now it’s even harder if you’re a peacock, because Coconut Grove has decided to oust us from our rightful home.

Yes. Even though we are this community’s last link to its storied past, Miami city commissioners just voted to amend the city charter to allow the trapping and removal of excess peacocks from the city.

We are not sure how many peacocks constitute an excess. But we definitely feel there is an excess of stupid creatures around here, and we don’t mean the iguanas.

Peacocks get blamed for every problem in the Grove. Scratched cars? Peacocks. Too much poop on the street? Peacocks. Somebody getting freaky with his lady and screaming joyfully late into the night? Peacocks. Listen, it’s not our fault you forgot to take your Viagra and fell asleep while watching “The Masked Singer.” Don’t hate us ‘cause you ain’t us.

The Grove used to be a funky cool place with a freewheeling spirit of live and let live. We didn’t even mind the drum circles (much). Now? There’s a BMW parked outside every other house. Can you blame us for scratching them? Those drivers probably cut you off on your way home from work today.

And your houses. Your houses are the Muscovy ducks of houses. You keep tearing down nice old Florida homes and building big, ugly, square boxes. We have pretty blue chests and green tail feathers but by all means call us the unsightly blight on the neighborhood.

Then again, maybe it’s time to get out. Sure, the Grove has a Fireman Derek’s Bake Shop now, and the 1990s horror that was CocoWalk has been more or less bulldozed. But the Grove is changing, getting more upscale. Maybe there’s no room for beautiful if somewhat raucous wildlife, and we need to move along.

So, City of Miami, when you trap us, don’t send us to that great petting zoo in the sky. Take us instead to a civilized place where the population isn’t made up pretentious posers with questionable architectural taste.

We hear Kendall is nice.