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South Beach hosting Ultra? That is an excellent idea and nothing could possibly go wrong.

Tens of thousands leave Ultra and walk miles across Rickenbacker in Miami

Tens of thousands of festival goers make their way out of the 2019 Ultra Music Festival in Virginia Key, Florida on Saturday, March 30, 2019.
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Tens of thousands of festival goers make their way out of the 2019 Ultra Music Festival in Virginia Key, Florida on Saturday, March 30, 2019.

At first, we thought we were imagining things. Did a Miami Beach commissioner really suggest bringing Ultra Music Festival to South Beach?

Yes. It’s true. Commish Ricky Arriola proposed a plan to bring the EDM extravaganza to Lummus Park in 2020.

Seems unlikely that the city that hates fun except when it’s for rich people would do such a thing. South Beach loathes Spring Break. It really dislikes the hip hop fans who come to party on Memorial Day Weekend. We cannot imagine why it wouldn’t hate Ultra goers, too, unless there is a marked difference between fans who enjoy EDM and those who prefer hip hop. We can’t figure out what that difference might be, but perhaps you can.

Ultra was by all accounts a disaster on Virginia Key last March, what with shuttle bus mayhem, 20somethings reduced to actually having to walk a whole mile and angry comparisons to the Fyre Festival debacle minus the cheese sandwiches.

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This would be a good look for South Beach.

After all that, we figured Ultra would never return to Virginia Key. We thought there were plenty of good places to put Ultra. South Beach had not occurred to us, and it’s not a done deal yet, but now we think it’s a brilliant idea. Here’s why.

Unlike Virginia Key, Miami Beach is not an island so getting there would be easy

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Oh wait.

The MacArthur Causeway offers easy access

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We are sure the ongoing 100-year construction plan will be finished by then.

There is ample parking

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Osmany Torres Martin CITY OF MIAMI BEACH

There are one or two garages available. One of them is attractive.

Nobody will freak out over drug use

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Ocean Drive is already fragrant with the scent of weed. We’re sure it’s medical.

EDM fans still less annoying than people pretending they care about art

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We see you, Basel fakers. We can smell your FOMO.

Ocean Drive’s rep cannot be further damaged

OceanDrive

How can you tarnish the image of TGIF and Wet Willie’s?

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