Nineteen things President-elect Donald Trump would rather do than attend the daily top-secret intelligence briefings:
1. Chat with Sean Hannity. Or Joe Scarborough, or Matt Lauer, or even Wolf Blitzer. Anybody who’ll put me on the air.
2. Hang out with my good friend Kanye West at Trump Tower. Get a photo taken with him in our spectacular lobby. Tell him how honored I am that he dyed his hair blonde, just like mine.
4. Go on Twitter and rant about how much I can’t stand “Saturday Night Live,” how incredibly NOT funny it is, especially the sketches where Alec Baldwin is supposedly playing me.
5. Call up my good friend Vladimir Putin to innocently inquire if he is aware of any wayward emails belonging to one “A. Baldwin” of midtown Manhattan.
Also extremely important: Remember to thank the Vladster for recommending Rex Tillerson of Exxon Mobil to be my secretary of State.
6. Take Mitt Romney to dinner at another fancy restaurant, just to watch him grovel. Promise him he’s still in the running for a key post in my Cabinet.
7. Just for fun, go on Twitter and say how much I respect and admire Romney, and would be proud to have him on my team.
8. Call up Schwarzenegger to tell him he’s doing an amazing job on the new “Celebrity Apprentice.” Ask him if any of the contestants want to be in my Cabinet. Tell them they’ve got a better shot than Romney.
9. Jack up the rents in Trump Tower before the Secret Service signs its lease. Throw in a free gym membership for the agents assigned to protect me. Pence’s guys can use the Gold’s down the street.
So far I’ve got Alec Baldwin, that loudmouth Carrier union guy from Indiana, some smart-ass college chick (no more than an 8!) who implied I didn’t respect women, and the 2.8 million people (most of them illegals, I bet!) who made me lose the popular vote to Hillary.
11. Continue my sincere outreach to worried minorities by asking Sofia Vergara or possibly Selena Gomez to drop by Trump Tower for a photo-op in our spectacular lobby. And if they want to do the blonde thing, like Kanye, that would be so amazing.
12. Attend my regular morning briefing about the occupancy rate at the new Trump hotel in Washington, D.C. Investigate why it’s not already booked solid for the next four years.
Also extremely important: Leave a standing order that if Megyn Kelly ever checks in, put her in the noisiest room, the one next to the freight elevator and the ice machines.
13. Call up random foreign leaders and tell them how terrific they are. Remind Ivanka to help me with the pronunciations. Also, a map of the world might be useful.
15. Pay Steve Bannon the five bucks I owe him after Boeing’s stock dropped like a rock. Ask him to make a list of other companies I should trash on Twitter late at night, when I can’t get to sleep.
16. Conduct regular staff meetings about my final Cabinet appointments. Ask if there are any remaining jobs I can pretend to discuss with Mitt Romney, just to jerk him around some more. See if we can get him to dye his hair blonde.
Ha! Who am I kidding? I’m fond of those boys, but they’re not going to buy a box of paper clips without consulting me first.
18. Research the measurements of the Oval Office, to see if my tanning bed will fit.
19. Finish the guest list for my “Drain-the-Swamp Inaugural Ball.” Rent an 18-wheeler to deliver all those invitations to Goldman Sachs.
Also extremely important: Don’t seat those hicks from “Duck Dynasty” at the same table with Tom and Giselle Brady! Melania would cut me off for, like, ever.