Dave Barry

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About Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.

2011 Gift Guide

Dave Barry Holiday Gift Guide

Items we actually purchased, although not with our own money, because we are not complete idiots.

2011 Year in Review

Dave Barry Year in Review

It was the kind of year that made a person look back fondly on the Gulf oil spill.

Dave Barry for president 2000 2004 2008

Wondering where the candidate stands on key issues? Need to know where to send your bribes campaign contributions? Ask questions and see Dave's answers.

Top Story

Captain Tidy vs. the Litter People

Dave Barry is Captain Tidy

It's 10:36 on a Thursday morning in downtown Miami. The suspect is standing at a bus stop on Biscayne Boulevard, smoking a cigarette. There's a tough-looking crowd around him. A street crowd. This could get sticky.

  • A different kind of French kiss

    OK, if nobody else will do it, I'm going to patch up this spat between the United States and France.

  • Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh

    It is time once again for Ask Mister Language Person, the column that provides you with the grammar, punctuation and vocabulary skills you need to verbally crush your opponents like seedless grapes under a hammer.

  • OUR NATIONAL PASTIME

    As I ponder the start of yet another baseball season, what is left of my mind drifts back to the fall of 1960, when I was a student at Harold C. Crittenden Junior High ("Where the Leaders of Tomorrow Are Developing the Acne of Today"). The big baseball story that year was the World Series between the New York Yankees and the Pittsburgh Pirates.

  • Your personal cloning manual; copies available

    Human cloning: Will it be a lifesaving scientific advance, like penicillin? Or will it prove to be a horrible mistake that unleashes untold devastation upon humanity, like the accordion?

  • This won't hurt a bit

    I will frankly admit that I'm afraid of medical care. I trace this fear to my childhood, when, as far as I could tell, the medical profession's reaction to every physical problem I developed, including nearsightedness, was to give me a tetanus shot. Not only that, but the medical professionals would always lie about it.

  • Bored games

    OK, here's a nostalgia question: What childhood game does this remind you of? ''Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick.''If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

  • Your tax dollars hard at work in the manure

    Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the pennant race.

  • THE SHOCKING TALE OF HALLEY'S COMET!

    In an unprecedented statement, leading astronomers from around the world admitted today they had misjudged the location of Halley's comet, which they now say will not arrive in the solar system for another six years.

  • The Old Ball Game

    You know that next year South Florida will have a major- league baseball team, the Florida Marlins. But what you might not know is that this year, the Marlins have a minor-league team, the Erie Sailors. A fortunate few of the hopeful young players playing in Erie this summer could some day realize their ultimate dream -- to make the big leagues, and to step onto the field at Joe Robbie Stadium. Of course, they'll probably drown, inasmuch as the field will be under eight feet of water from the usual frog-choking South Florida summer thunderstorm. But that's part of the excitement that makes us love the game of baseball.

  • Music appreciation

    Why don't regular people like classical music? This is the question that was posed to me recently in a letter from Timothy W. Muffitt, the music director of the University of Texas Symphony Orchestra, which has gained international acclaim for its rendition of Achy Breaky Heart.

  • I slalomly swear

    If you're looking for a vacation concept that combines the element of outdoor fun with the element of potentially knocking down a tree with your face, you can't do better than skiing. My family just got back from a ski trip to Vermont ("The Wind Chill Factor State"), and it was an adventure that I'm sure we will remember fondly for many years while our various body parts heal.

  • Science: It's just not fair

    TODAY'S TOPIC FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IS: How To Do A School Science Fair Project. So your school is having a science fair! Great! The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

  • Boy Genius

    To be honest, I had completely forgotten that in a former life I was Mozart. You know how certain things tend to slip your mind, like where you left your car keys, or the fact that you used to be a brilliant Austrian composer who died in 1791? Well, that's exactly what happened to me.

  • Manatee Heaven

    As a nature-lover, I enjoy seeing animals in their native wilderness habitat, provided that it is within 20 yards of plumbing and fast food. So recently I journeyed into the heart of the city of Miami (proud motto: "No Top Elected Officials Indicted So Far This Week") to see the wild manatees.

  • The source of America's discontent

    Before we get to today's column, I have an important announcement regarding outsourcing. ''Outsourcing'' is a business expression that means, in layperson's terms, ''sourcing out.'' It's a trend that started years ago in manufacturing, which is a business term that means ''making things.''

  • Breaking the ice

    As a mature adult, I feel an obligation to help the younger generation, just as the mother fish guards her unhatched eggs, keeping her lonely vigil day after day, never leaving her post, not even to go to the bathroom, until her tiny babies emerge and she is able, at last, to eat them. "She may be your mom, but she's still a fish, " is a wisdom nugget that I would pass along to any fish eggs reading this column. But today I want to talk about dating.

  • Today's topic is: The Art of Cooking

    Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first, the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw.

  • Dave Barry: Put up hurricane shutters for the political wind

    I figured out what the Florida primary reminds me of: A hurricane.

  • A tall order, grammatically

    Join us now for another rendition of "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column mentioned by name in the Bible, as well as the official grammar column of the American Association of English Teachers in the Staff Lounge Counting the Days Until Retirement.

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