Rejected first draft of Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention:
My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight proud — but not humbled — to be your nominee for president of the United States. I richly deserve this honor, and the Republican Party richly deserves me.
(Pause here for warm cheers from the audience.)
I’m also proud of my many children who bravely came here to Cleveland and gave those terrific speeches about me being a fantastic father. They did this out of pure love and adoration, without me once threatening to cut them out of my will.
My only regret is that I didn’t marry even more beautiful women and have even more beautiful kids, so they could have filled ALL the speaker slots at this convention.
Not that you didn’t enjoy listening to that goofy Duck Dynasty dude or the hot chick golfer, who is like a serious 9½, but Lyin’ Ted ? Come on.
(Pause for bitter anti-Cruz jeers).
I don’t blame you for booing, folks. And, by the way, I listened to every word he said and I still didn’t hear any hard proof that his old man wasn’t in on the JFK assassination.
Finally, I’m very proud of my wife, Melania, who gave a marvelous speech despite her unfamiliarity with American plagiarism standards — which, by the way, are totally ridiculous. The very first thing I’m going to do as your president is make it totally legal to steal other people’s writing and pretend it’s yours!
(Pause for somewhat uneasy cheers.)
You’ve probably noticed that tonight I’m reading from a grown-up teleprompter instead of winging it, making up stuff as I go along, the way I usually do. But I don’t worry, folks — I haven’t changed, and I won’t change.
As your president, if I’ve got something especially offensive to say, I can read it off of a stupid machine just as easily as I can ad-lib. You wait and see!
(Pause for relieved cheers.)
I’m here tonight to talk about making America great again, but first I have a few words about my Democratic opponent. Hillary Clinton was the worst first lady in history, the worst U.S. senator in history and the worst secretary of state in history.
I should have never invited her and her horndog husband to my wedding to Melania.
But you know what, folks? If I ever get married again, Hillary definitely won’t be on my guest list. In fact, if I get my way, she’ll be in jail!
(Pause for howling, rabid, drool-flecked cheers.)
Before I explain exactly how I’m going to make America great again, I want to assure you we’re going to win huge in November, and not just because of angry white conservative voters like you.
The Latinos who don’t watch Univision, they all love me. The blacks who don’t like President Obama, they love me, too.
And the women — are you kidding? They can’t get enough of the Big D, if you know what I mean.
So we’re basically going to win every single state on Election Day, no problem. And what happens next?
(Cup a hand to your ear, and wait for crowd to yell: “We’ll make America great again!”)
That’s right. It’s going to be so unbelievably easy to make America great again.
First we’re going to rip up all those lousy trade deals, which I haven’t even read because they’re so terrible. Then we’re going to force U.S. companies to bring thousands of overseas jobs back to America — don’t ask how. Trust me, I know how to deal with these boardroom bozos.
Next, I’m sending planeloads of U.S. troops to wipe out ISIS in Syria, Libya, France, wherever the hell they’re hiding. And, folks, it won’t be anything like George Bush’s disastrous invasion of Iraq. This time we won’t call it an invasion, we’ll call it an ass-kicking.
And we’re going to win — because you’ll have a president who’s a winner!
(Pause for raucous, worshipful cheers.)
Don’t worry. I didn’t forget about the wall. More than anything else, that’s what will make this nation great again — a towering barrier along the entire southern border, to keep out all those rapists and criminals with Hispanic surnames.
The wall will cost billions and take decades to build, but you’ll proudly name it after me when it’s done.
So I stand here tonight and make you this bold promise : Just as I singlehandedly transformed the Republican Party, I will transform America.
Seriously, folks, you won’t recognize this country when I’m done.
(Raise both arms and do a double thumbs-up gesture. Hold this pose while the convention hall goes wild. Try to make your thumbs look large.)