‘If you want a mask at a Trump rally, just go ahead and become a Democrat, you weenie’ | Opinion
(An absolutely true news item: President Donald Trump doesn’t want supporters to wear protective masks or maintain social distancing at his upcoming campaign rallies, including those in Florida, Arizona and North Carolina — three states in which cases of coronavirus have been rising steadily in recent weeks.)
The Republican National Committee is delighted to announce that the President will be holding an event soon in your city and is happy to answer your questions about the dress code and seating arrangements.
Can I wear a protective mask if I want to?
The President has said he prefers not to see any covered faces in the crowd, because it would needlessly remind people that the country is in the midst of a pandemic.
But lots of the street demonstrators who are protesting George Floyd’s death are wearing masks.
After watching the demonstrations on television, the President has concluded that the masks and facial coverings worn by many marchers are distracting from the serious issue of police brutality against minorities, and also needlessly reminding people about the pandemic.
What if I bring a doctor’s note documenting my respiratory condition? Then can I use a mask?
The President understands that your medical situation puts you at higher risk for contracting the virus, but he would prefer that you stay home and enjoy the rally on television rather than show up with your face covered and ruin the vibe.
But I’m one of his biggest fans! I’ve got a Trump sign in my yard and a “Lock Her Up” banner on my Winnebago. My all-time favorite TV show was “The Apprentice,” especially the season when Meat Loaf freaked out and . . .
While the President deeply appreciates your loyalty, he believes the leftist Fake News would fixate on the masks in the audience and overlook the compelling substance of his remarks.
Dude, I just mailed a $1,000 check to his re-election team, and you’re telling me I can’t wear any PPE to his rally? Seriously?
OK, whoa — obviously the President was unaware of your generous donation. Let’s say we made an exception and allowed you to attend even though your mouth and nose are covered. Would you be willing to stay in a remote area of the arena that was blocked off from the view of the liberal media?
No way! I want to be right up front so he can see me cheering and chanting.
Unfortunately, all the visible rows in all the visible sections are reserved for non-mask wearing supporters. But here’s an idea: Instead of seating you in plain sight, what if the President agreed to let you take a selfie with him backstage?
Could I keep my mask on for the picture? Please?
Yeah, whatever. Just don’t post it on Twitter.
Also, can the President stand at least six feet away from me when we meet? My pulmonologist says I should keep a safe breathing space between me and other persons over 65.
While the President has enormous respect for the doctors who’ve been fighting COVID-19 on the front lines, he has decided there will be no social distancing at his campaign rallies.
To show solidarity, his supporters will be seated as snugly as always. The President believes that spacing in accordance with CDC guidelines would make the size of his crowds appear less huge, and also needlessly remind people about the pandemic.
So, if I leave my mask at home, I’ll have to sit right beside somebody who might be infected with the virus?
The President has noted that many of the George Floyd protesters didn’t practice the recommended social distancing. He feels that his own supporters — although older and more vulnerable — should be equally fearless and dedicated.
But I’ve literally got only one functioning lung. I mean, dude, I can’t even blow up a party balloon.
In cases such as yours, we recommend that you bring friends or relatives who have tested negative for COVID-19, and can therefore provide a safe human barrier around you during the President’s speech.
Everybody who wants to come with me has a medical issue. My aunt is diabetic, my uncle needs to drop 30 pounds (at least), my cousin has high blood pressure . . .
For God’s sake, don’t you know anyone with an uncompromised immune system?
FYI, they all wrote big checks to the President’s campaign.
Fine. Tell them it’s OK to wear their stupid masks, but they’ll have to sit with you under the bleachers.
Will there be hand sanitizer, at least?
The President prefers that you bring your own, in an unmarked container.
Oh, to avoid reminding people —
About the you-know-what. Exactly.
This story was originally published June 12, 2020 at 6:08 PM.