‘Praise the Lord and pass the Purell, people! | Opinion

An absolutely true news item: Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis on April 1 issued a stay-at-home order to curb the worsening COVID-19 pandemic, yet he exempted those wishing to attend “religious services conducted in churches, synagogues and houses of worship.”

Brothers and sisters, thank you for coming out to pray with us on this fine, extremely quiet Sunday.

And special thanks to our governor, who courageously disregarded the advice of pagan “infectious-disease specialists” who said there should be no mass congregations — and no gatherings whatsoever of more than 10 people.

Your presence here in these cramped sticky pews — wheezing neighbors crammed shoulder to shoulder — sends a powerful message to God Almighty, and also to the heathen propagandists in the liberal media:

The Life Assembly of Perpetual Idiots will never close our doors. Come one, come all — the more the merrier. Let me hear an amen!

Now, are we being criticized by others in the country? Shunned? Ridiculed as if we’ve got the same deficient DNA as the “Tiger King?”

Yes, but the only judgment that matters will come from Our Lord and Savior!

Now, I admit, I haven’t yet heard from Him personally on this subject. (Apparently He is swamped with frantic prayers from millions of faithful followers who are still waiting for a coronavirus test.)

However, brothers and sisters, I believe we should go forth trusting that God will not be mortified when He learns that we’re still gathering here in this time of contagion, sharing airborne droplets under the safety of His holy roof.

(Speaking of which, I’ve received several estimates about fixing that leak over the choir risers, and the cheapest is seven friggin’ grand! It’s highway robbery! So please kick in extra today when the collection basket comes your way.)

As you know, most other faiths have bowed to public pressure and shuttered their churches and synagogues because of the COVID-19 panic. The pope himself has canceled his appearances at St. Peter’s Square, which I know is a big deal but don’t get me started on that guy, OK?

Stalwart congregations like ours that continue to meet, pray and breathe heavily on one another have been battling vicious persecution. Just last Sunday, the Rev. Rodney Howard-Browne got arrested for holding crowded services at his Tampa Bay mega-church.

Hillsborough County had banned all large gatherings, but Rev. Browne said church closings were for “pansies” and summoned his loyal flock anyway. The sheriff who busted this heroic preacher had the blasphemous gall to accuse him of endangering thousands of innocent lives.

Thank the Lord we’ve got a governor who boldly stepped in to defend our rights, even if he waited until April Fool’s Day to do it.

Speaking for the Life Assembly of Perpetual Idiots, we will never let ourselves be intimidated by the secular word of the law or tricked into self-quarantine by “fatality ratio modeling,” whatever the hell that is.

Brothers and sisters, raise your hands if you even know what the letters “CDC” stand for. Well, here’s what they should stand for: Conspiracy to Destroy Churches.

Let me hear an amen! One more time!

Gazing out from this pulpit, I sense some worry, and even doubt., in your eyes, which is all I can see because so many of your faces are covered.

So I stand here humbly before row after row of steadfast souls wearing homemade masks — scarves, undergarments, pot holders, dog bandannas and, if I’m not mistaken, a Depends. Is that you, Brother Ronnie?

Although these are frightening days, there’s no need for drastic actions such as paying attention to the news.

How can the words of Dr. Anthony Fauci be more timely or enlightening than mine? What can Dr. Sanjay Gupta possibly tell you on CNN what cannot be divined right here in this sanctified house of worship?

Social distancing can lead to spiritual distancing, which leads to empty churches and empty collection baskets, which leads to late payments on my new Escalade.

Brothers and sisters, not all of us doing God’s work have been blessed with our own TV shows and toll-free numbers for scaring up donations. And not all of us can afford the 2 percent processing fee charged by those bandits at MasterCard.

Here at the Life Assembly of Perpetual Idiots, our ministry depends on your physical presence. We need warm, gullible bodies.

Tragically, many of you have family members who are now very sick. Just remember that you’ll always be safe from viral shedding inside this church, protected by power of the Lord and whatever dregs of Purell are still left in our restrooms.

Can I hear an amen? Louder, people — come on!

This story was originally published April 3, 2020 at 1:20 PM.