Turning back the clock of history to wonder, “What if Barack Obama had been more like Donald Trump?”
In a stunning defiance of a long-standing tradition, Democratic presidential frontrunner Barack Obama refuses to make public his federal tax returns.
“America, what is this man hiding???” bellows future ex-Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly on his nightly show. “Obviously Obama’s been paying little or no income tax, and is embarrassed — AS HE SHOULD BE! — to let the hard-working people of this country know the shameful truth!”
Only days before the election, a bombshell “Access Hollywood” tape reveals Obama bragging he “can do anything” to women, including “grab ‘em by the p---y.”
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Outraged evangelical leaders condemn Obama for his crude remarks and plead for him to drop out of the race. Rep. Mike Pence of Indiana says his wife won’t let him listen to the tape, though an edited transcript confirms his views that Obama is a “depraved sex criminal unleashed by Satan himself.”
Shrugging off the findings of several U.S. intelligence agencies, newly inaugurated President Obama says there’s no reason not to believe Vladimir Putin’s claim that Russia didn’t meddle in the election.
Republicans lambast Obama as hopelessly naïve and dangerously unfit for office. Right-wing darling Ann Coulter accuses the president of having a “kinky man-crush” on dictators, while radio host Rush Limbaugh becomes so agitated that he accidentally inhales his microphone.
Obama fires the head of the FBI, and then idiotically admits to NBC’s Lester Holt that he did it to curb the investigation of possible pre-election collusion between his campaign and the Russian government.
Pulled from his cryogenic sleeping chamber and revived by aides, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell urges the appointment of a special counsel to investigate Obama’s actions, which he calls a “flagrant, unconstitutional, unb-b-b-believable obstruction of justice.”
The Wall Street Journal reveals that Obama’s personal attorney and “fixer” paid $130,000 in hush money to an adult-film actress with whom Obama once had an affair.
Evangelical leaders assemble at an Emergency White Morality Conference and demand that the president resign immediately. A seething Sean Hannity tells Fox viewers that Obama is “worse than Bill Clinton, because Clinton never did it with porn stars. He drew the line at interns!”
It’s revealed that Obama’s daughters and campaign manager met secretly with a Russia-connected lawyer before the election to get “dirt” on Obama’s opponent. The president claims he didn’t know about the meeting, and accuses the FBI of staging a “witch hunt.”
An enraged Ann Coulter calls Obama a “high-paid commie traitor,” and chews off her own left arm during a taping of Bill Maher’s show. After a 12-minute floor debate over how to spell the president’s middle name, the House of Representatives begins preparing articles of impeachment.
President Obama idiotically tells a televised political rally that he and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un “fell in love” during their first summit meeting. Later he says that, despite U.S. intelligence reports, he believes the dictator really didn’t know about the fatal torture of an American college student.
Sean Hannity’s neck gets so hot that the lacquer in his hair catches fire. Rush Limbaugh abruptly goes on a “personal leave” so he can learn how to defibrillate himself. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell says the special counsel “should slow down and pursue every lead, no matter how small.”
Obama’s ex-national security adviser pleads guilty to lying to the FBI about interacting with Russian officials, his former personal attorney pleads guilty to bank fraud, tax fraud and lying to Congress and his ex-campaign manager gets 90 months in prison for witness tampering, illegal foreign lobbying and a $6 million tax dodge.
Republicans denounce Obama as the swampiest, most crooked president in history. Rep. Steve King, of Iowa, introduces a resolution to “reconsider the feasibility of lynching, for presidential high crimes and misdemeanors.”
It’s confirmed that President Obama rejected the advice of his staff and ordered top-security access for his daughters, Malia and Sasha, and their steady boyfriends.
In an unprecedented move, Mitch McConnell starts an impeachment trial in the Senate before the House is even finished drawing up the charges. Meanwhile, Fox News star Tucker Carlson phones Bubba the Love Sponge’s radio show to say Malia is “totally hot — and way smarter than her old man.”
During the same week that photographs surface of President Obama posing with the female founder of a chain of sketchy massage parlors, he autographs Bibles for tornado victims in Alabama.
Moving vans appear overnight in the White House driveway. Evangelicals nationwide stage “Thank You, God’ rallies, while conservatives hail the smooth transition of power as proof that the U.S. Constitution still works.
“Our long national nightmare is over,” declares newly sworn President Joe Biden, adding, “I wrote that one myself.”