Brilliant things that Donald Trump’s gut has told him in the past:
1. Before you go on “Access Hollywood,” be sure to brag to Billy Bush about how you like to grab women between the legs. He’ll be super impressed, and nobody except you and he will ever hear a word of what you say.
2. Want to have sex with a random porn actress while your wife is home with a new baby? Go for it, dude. Seriously, what’s the downside?
3. Some people say he’s a third-rate hack lawyer, but you know what? This Michael Cohen, he worships you. You can tell him to do absolutely anything because he’s totally loyal. Never in a million years would he rat you out to save his own hide.
4. It would be a fantastic idea to hire this Paul Manafort guy as your campaign chairman. You barely know him, but check out his hair! I say go for it.
5. You should delegate way more authority to Don Jr. For instance, if somebody connected to Russia says they have dirt on Hillary, why not let the kid handle it? Jared can keep an eye on him. There’s always a spare conference room at Trump Tower.
6. Here’s what to do if Stormy Daniels or any of these other women threaten to spill the beans about your extramarital affairs: Tell your weasel pal that runs the National Enquirer to buy and bury their stories — and then make them sign non-disclosure agreements. That way, NOBODY WILL EVER FIND OUT THE TRUTH!
7. I’ve got a good feeling about this Sean Spicer guy. He’ll be an amazing White House press secretary. Trust me, your gut, on this one.
8. The first classy thing you should do on the day you take office is say that your inauguration crowd was the biggest in the history of inaugurations. Maybe even the biggest in the history of crowds!
9. Honestly, nobody cares about those intelligence reports warning that Michael Flynn is too tight with the Russians. Go ahead and make him your national security adviser. He’s got enough military medals to fill a Christmas tree. The FBI will believe whatever he says!
10. I’ve got a good feeling about this Anthony Scaramucci guy. He’ll be amazing with the media, way better than that clown Spicer. Go for it!
11. Jared hates him, but you should keep Steve Bannon around. Make him a top adviser and put him on the National Security Council. He’s totally loyal and would never blab secretly to Bob Woodward about your insanely dysfunctional presidency.
12. Know who else would be a great addition to the White House team? Omarosa from “The Apprentice.” She’s feisty, she’s African American and she’s totally loyal to you. Even if you’ve got to fire her (again, ha!), she’ll never leave and write an angry book portraying you as a racist nitwit.
13. I’ve got a good feeling about Rex Tillerson for secretary of state. He’ll be totally loyal to you, and never in a million years would he refer to you as a f------ idiot, especially in front of other people.
14. Also hearing great things about this Oklahoma lawyer, Scott Pruitt, who keeps suing the EPA. Why not put him in charge of it? He’d never embarrass you by doing something stupid, like building a $43,000 soundproof phone booth in his office.
15. Here’s an idea for a fun night at the White House: Invite Sarah Palin, Kid Rock and Ted Nugent to dinner — and NOT keep it a secret!
16. When you sit down for your big interview with Lester Holt, just come right out and admit that you fired James Comey because he wouldn’t halt the FBI investigation into Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election. No big deal. Heck, I bet Robert Mueller doesn’t even watch NBC!
17. Someday it would be so cool to have a meeting with Kanye in the Oval Office. Be sure and invite the media, too!
Go with your gut, Mr. President. Have I ever let you down?