Carl Hiaasen

‘Mr. Trump? Um, no, I don’t know any Mr. Trump’

Michael Cohen, President Trump’s personal attorney, is under criminal investigation.
Michael Cohen, President Trump’s personal attorney, is under criminal investigation. Getty Images

Suggested revisions for a new airtight, post-Stormy Non-Disclosure Agreement for all employees, blood relatives, in-laws, spouses, ex-spouses, free-lance manicurists, tanning-bed technicians and past sex partners of Donald J. Trump:

I, [fill in your legal name, and any stage names you’ve ever used in films, pay-per-view videos, centerfolds or live performances], hereby attest that I will never confirm or discuss the details of my personal contacts with Mr. Trump.

Specifically, I consent and agree to avoid any reference to:

1. The size of his fingers and hands, in comparison to the fingers and hands of other adult males.

2. All other parts and regions of Mr. Trump’s anatomy, or his elaborate daily grooming procedures.

3. The size and style of Mr. Trump’s pajamas, or any casual attire that he might wear in my presence.

4. The presence in his quarters of any unread copies of Forbes magazine or other periodicals that theoretically could be rolled up and used as spanking devices.

5. The presence in his quarters of any dart board upon which is attached an unflattering likeness of Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

6. Mr. Trump’s television-watching habits, besides his well-known attention to Fox News. In particular, I agree never to mention his fascination with cable programming during “Shark Week” or any fears he might express of sharks, bears, spiders or chipmunks.

7. Mr. Trump’s reading habits or lack thereof, compared to the reading habits of former U.S. presidents, current corporate executives, Costco warehouse supervisors or your average fourth-grade student.

8. Mr. Trump’s fondness for so-called “fast food.” In particular, I agree never to count the number of empty Diet Coke cans in his bed, or to wager on the total with other employees.

9. Mr. Trump’s golf swing, or his unusually loose method of keeping score. In particular, I agree never to disseminate any photographs or cellphone videos of Mr. Trump teeing off, putting or covertly kicking his ball out of a sand trap.

10. The number of times Mr. Trump regularly speaks with Sean Hannity, compared to the number of times he speaks with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the head of the U.S. Central Command in the Mideast or the director of the National Security Agency.

11. All conversations I might overhear in which Mr. Trump discusses Russia, the Steele dossier, the Miss Universe pageant in Moscow, “my bro Vlad” or “the Putin-ator.”

12. All conversations I might overhear in which Chief of Staff John Kelly describes Mr. Trump as anything but “brilliant,” “selfless” and “totally honest.”

If I am a Trump family member, any violation of this Non-Disclosure Agreement will result in the loss of the use of the company Boeing 757, the helicopter, the golf carts, the Mar-a-Lago day spa and Scott Pruitt’s $40,000 private phone booth at the EPA.

If I am a payroll employee of Mr. Trump or the Trump Organization, any violation of the terms of this agreement will result in my immediate termination, and potential financial damages in excess of a trillion gazillion dollars.

If I am a female acquaintance of Mr. Trump, breaking this agreement will bring prompt legal action to recover the hush money I’ve been paid, which may or may not exceed $130,000.

I also understand that the payment I received in exchange for keeping silent was not idiotically routed to my attorney in a way that could be traced by the Wall Street Journal or other news organization.

Consequently, it will be way more difficult for me than for certain past female acquaintances to prove the existence of the hush-money payoff, enhance my own fame and cause so much undeserved trouble for Mr. Trump.

By signing this NDA, I agree never again to mention it — or the soundproof underground room where I was taken to read it, after my blindfold was removed.

In addition, I acknowledge that this document is effective for the duration of my lifetime, and that it will also be legally binding on my children, future grandchildren, great-grandchildren and their literary agents.

I also agree to destroy all copies of my previous Non-Disclosure Agreement and to have no future contact with Mr. Michael Cohen, the nitwit who wrote it.

Signed, [fill in your name. You know the drill.]