(Rejected first draft of confidential report to President Donald J. Trump from the events manager at the Mar-a-Lago Club.)
Dear Mr. President,
I received your urgent inquiry about our “reduced” winter schedule, and I want to assure you there’s no need to burn down the resort for the insurance money. We’re doing just fine!
You expressed alarm about a “Fake News” story saying 20 charities and organizations have canceled or moved their fund-raising galas from Mar-a-Lago following your remarks about the Charlottesville demonstrations.
Unfortunately, the story happens to be true. I have no idea how CNN and the rest of the crooked liberal media got it right.
Still, the financial future remains bright here at Mar-a-Lago. Recent events have dealt us a setback that we’ll eventually overcome, if you’d just stick to the script on your presidential teleprompter. Please?
At your request, I’m compiling an updated list of groups that will no longer be using the property here.
With all due respect, I would implore you not to go on Twitter and insult any of them. In particular, the Salvation Army, International Red Cross, and American Cancer Society receive funding from many high-profile, politically influential donors.
Even our local Big Dog Ranch Rescue has an ardent support base that we’d rather not antagonize. It’s been our experience that owners of large breeds — Rottweilers, mastiffs, etc. — are proportionally more formidable than owners of small breeds.
So, rather than dwell on these recent “defectors,” I suggest we focus on some exciting new event options for Mar-a-Lago’s upcoming season.
We were recently contacted by a new free-speech advocacy group that is planning a big benefit ball with an all-white theme, from the costumes to the guest list. There would be some spirited chanting and a candlelit march through the grounds — but no live band to annoy the neighbors!
The organizers seem exceptionally enthusiastic, and our only unusual overhead would be the cost of 300 tiki torches, which I can order in bulk from Home Depot. I would also strongly suggest giving our Haitian and Jamaican employees the night off.
Another possible booking for Mar-a-Lago is the highly popular West Palm Beach Gun and Knife Show. With a friendly discount, I believe we can persuade these folks to void their contract with the fairgrounds in favor of a unique, luxury island experience.
Our fabled croquet lawn offers a sociable seaside setting for outdoor firearms vendors, especially if we upgrade the craft-beer concession. The demographics of past events indicate you’d have many faithful fans among the attendees.
Although the open display of hundreds of semi-automatic weapons might present some challenges for the Service Service, we would work closely with the agency to make sure all guns are locked and not loaded.
And, just in case, we’ll provide body armor for our catering staff.
One other way to fill one of the gaps in our event lineup would be using the resort’s scenic gardens as an exhibition area for displaced Confederacy statues. Our profits would come from a stiff entry fee, as well as gift-shop sales of rebel flags and other memorabilia.
As you know, Mr. President, numerous statues of Robert E. Lee and other Confederate officers have become available since your remarks about Charlottesville. This is an opportunity to bring some authentic battle history to Palm Beach, a place that played no role whatsoever in the Civil War.
Logistically, the only serious hurdle to opening a statue garden at Mar-a-Lago is our resident pigeon population. As you and the first lady have experienced first-hand, these are stubborn birds that have no respect for hair, fine fashion or silver trays filled with lobster canapés.
However, I am currently in negotiations with a highly reputable firm that specializes in discreet “pigeon dispersal” using malodorous deterrents, dissonant audio signals and lots of large fake owls.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll buy some flash-bang grenades at the gun show.
Worst-case scenario? Nobody else wants to book any events on the property during our winter season. And while such a steep drop in revenue would be disappointing, there is actually a sunny side to this surge of cancellations:
When you and the first lady come visit us in December, Mar-a-Lago will truly be an oasis of peace and quiet.