Tidal Cove Waterpark is open in Aventura, and you know what that means — sunburn, happy kids, adults looking for the bar and chlorine enemas.
More on that last item later (including how to avoid one). The main thing is this: The seven slides at the new park at the JW Marriott Miami Turnberry Resort & Spa are open — and you can ride them.
The water park is mainly for resort guests, but if you can swing the price of a day membership — $75 Monday-Thursday, $105 Friday and Saturday — it’s worth checking out.
Of course, you do not have to ride the slides. You can sit at the bar and order a drink — we recommend the Turnberry Mule, the resort’s version of a Moscow Mule, preferably by the pitcher. You can cruise the Lazy River in an inner tube with a plastic glass of rosé in your hand (weather prohibited us from doing so, and we’re still salty).
You can watch people wipe out on the Triple FlowRider, the most strenuous of the rides, which involves knee- or bodyboarding. You can even retreat to the adults-only pool and hide from your kids, if you want.
But the slides are a thing. Here’s your guide to what to ride.
The Master Blaster
Judging from the screams we heard, The Master Blaster is the favorite — and the fastest — of the slides. Also the most likely to end in a wipe out into a pool, which is an entirely desirable thing since it’s approximately 99 degrees in the shade.
It’s the best of both worlds — a steep drop, then a shot up a near-vertical wall. Yes, you want to do this. Don’t you?
Grab a mat to ride the twists and turns of this slide, which includes a 360-degree loop.
The one that gives you a chlorine enema
The Aqua Drop is unofficially the scariest slide at the park. You cross your arms over your chest and the floor drops out from under you and down you go. Chlorine enemas are a distinct possibility. Avoid this unfortunate discomfort by crossing your legs securely before you drop. Godspeed.
Other stuff you need to know
In addition to the main pool, there’s a new children’s area called Kids’ Cove near the entrance.
There’s an adults-only pool, which is not pervy at all but a semi-peaceful oasis with cabanas. Note, though: It’s located next to the slides so you will hear screaming. For maximum entertainment watch people come flying off the Master Blaster even if you don’t want to ride it yourself. If you’re hungry, grab something to go at Freestyle or sit down for lunch at the Surf House.
Tidal Cove Waterpark
Where: JW Marriott Miami Turnberry Resort & Spa, 19999 W. Country Club Drive, Aventura
Cost: Free to resort guests and Turnberry Country Club members; for nonguests, day memberships are $75 Monday-Thursday and $105 Friday-Saturday. Hotel reservations here.