Dishing dirt with the Queen of Mean

By Lydia Martin

You’re at the Catalina Hotel on Collins Avenue, hanging with Perez Hilton and waiting for him to say something vile. He’s the catty Cubanito from Miami who is making a splash with his celebrity gossip website, www.PerezHilton.com. (Admit it, you went there to get a gander at Britney’s bits.)

Perez — real name Mario Lavandeira — grew up in Westchester, is a Belen Jesuit Prep School grad, studied acting at New York University and likes to call himself “Queen of Mean.” But today he’s being sort of, well, sweet.

He’s telling you about his mom (his dad, who had a wallpapering business, died of an aneurism when Perez was 14) and how he just bought her a Toyota Prius and health insurance and how he wants to buy her a condo at the Setai when he really makes it.

“She probably wouldn’t even like a condo on the Beach,” Perez — PerEZ — says. “As for the health insurance, I couldn’t believe she didn’t have any. I was like, ‘Girl, you need to start taking care of yourself.’ “

For all the celeb slammin’ Perez, 28, does on his site (Mary-Kate Olsen and Nicole Richie can’t miss one meal without Perez going off on their ana/mia status), he can also be quite star-struck, a fame basher obviously obsessed with fame.

Here’s a giddy post on his site about getting to breathe the same air as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes:

“Angelina is even more stunning in person. And Brad was so touching, guiding his babymomma along the way. One day. We will exchange words. But this was good enough for now!”

At the same time, he’s happy to put out there that he’s a poisonous little gay boy with no qualms about cutting celebs to the quick. Except for Paris and Nicky. Everybody knows he has mad love for Paris and Nicky.

He’s not nearly so generous to, say, Donald Trump. “We now have a new place to piss,” he writes as the caption for a photo of Donald Trump getting a Hollywood star.

But it’s not just gossip-slinging that he’s famous for. There’s also his unique doodling on celeb photos. He’ll scribble “sniff” with an arrow pointing to Beyonc ‘s arm pit. He’ll draw white stuff dribbling from the mouth of some guy he’s trying to suggest plays on the Brokeback Mountain team.

It’s all so junior high.

And yet the advertisement-driven website is hugely successful — Perez claims more than 3 million hits a day — and it has made him something of a pseudo celeb. He’s been featured on 20/20 and Good Morning America, appeared on MTV’s New Year’s Eve special and scored a small role as himself in an upcoming episode of Dirt, the new F/X series staring Courteney Cox as a tabloid editor.

“It’s amazing, ” said Omar Miranda, 27, an English-literature grad student at Boston College who was a schoolmate at Belen. “We were walking around the last time he was in Miami, and people would stop him to take his picture. We’ve been friends for a long time. He can be very candid. And very uncouth. I put the brakes on him when he tries to act that way, but in the end he’s a very nice guy.”

Perez came up with his name after a night of clubbing on South Beach.

“We went to three or four places, and every time we tried to leave, somebody told us, ‘Wait, don’t leave yet. Paris Hilton is coming.’ They just wanted people to spend more money on drinks. I wanted to meet her. But after a whole night of this, I said, ‘Please. Paris Hilton is not showing up. Maybe Perez Hilton will.’ And I instantly loved the name. It’s what I’m about, satirizing yet celebrating.”

Perez may come off as someone who spews cut-downs about the cool kids he’d like to befriend, but he’s also pretty clear about the celebrity game’s being a game.

He calls Paris, who is on his speed dial, a mentor. “She gets it. She’d rather be talked about than not talked about. I mean, she created this successful brand for herself, and there’s a bunch of models and whatever trying to be like her, but they can’t. . . . I look at her as an inspiration.”

There are celebs he doesn’t exactly idolize. Like Britney Spears.

“Britney confuses. I loved the old Britney. But I don’t think that’s the real Britney,” Perez says. “I think what we’re seeing now is the real Britney.” He offers a disclaimer on his site: “PerezHilton.com is all about gossip and satire. . . . Postings may contain erroneous or inaccurate information. The owner of this site does not insure the accurateness of any content presented on PerezHilton.com.”

But his audience doesn’t care. After all, cybercrack can be fun and addicting. Plus, there are the times Perez gets it right. He takes credit for prodding Lance Bass of ‘N Sync, Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, M.D.) and T.R. Knight (Grey’s Anatomy) out of the closet.

“I don’t think there’s anything different in me talking about Lance Bass’ secret relationship with some guy or Us Weekly talking about Jessica Simpson’s secret relationship with John Mayer.”

So does Perez have any secret relationships?

“No dating life. That’s why I’m trying to eat healthy and get in shape. The boys are harsh. I’m one of them. I wouldn’t want to date a fat person. I wouldn’t date me. I guess I’m self-hating,” he says, laughing.

He lives in West Hollywood and does most of his blogging from a corner table at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on Sunset and Fairfax. He says Nicole Richie went there to confront him once.

“She was like, ‘Call me anorexic to my face.’ And I was like, ‘Girl, Perez is just a character. Let’s hug it out.’ And we did. I was worried for a second, because she had her posse of gays with her.”

It’s probably best always to remember Perez’s disclaimer, but here’s what he says about how he got so tight with Paris: They met at a Fashion Week party in New York. He walked up and said Hi.

“She said, ‘I’ve been on your site. You’re really funny.’ Then I saw her at a party in L.A. the next week, and the week after that. It’s her job and my job to go out.”

But are they really friends?

“I talked to her yesterday. We e-mail. I go to her house. We ask each other for advice.”

OK, but does Perez think he’s having a real relationship with her and with some of the other celebs who let him hover at the nightclubs? Doesn’t he get that the minute he rubs one of them the wrong way on his blog, he’ll get dropped like yesterday’s starlet?

“Sometimes I’ll get an angry e-mail from them on something I think is innocuous, like, ‘That’s a bad picture of me.’ But I’ll say, ‘I thought it was a good picture.’ It’s like dancing the tango. Sometimes you step on toes. But these people are aware of what we all do for a living. They know it’s important for both dancers to keep on dancing.”

This story was originally published October 16, 2007 at 4:10 AM with the headline "Dishing dirt with the Queen of Mean."