Opinion: How dare they change the Palmetto express lanes we used to hate so much?

If you are one of the 35 people whose lives and sanity depend on access to the Palmetto express lanes, we have some dreadful news for you: Happiness is over.

It’s true. Big changes are coming to those magical lanes that swept us swiftly past thousands of cars and trucks - oh so many trucks, hauling oh so many baffling items.

After complaints by Miami lawmakers, the Florida Department of Transportation is suspending tolls on State Road 826 and rolling back the express lane program.

We confess that at first, we complained bitterly about these lanes. But over time, we began to rely on them. (Over time = one morning of actual forward progress on the highway instead of sitting still and gazing out the window at The Christmas Palace, wondering who shops there in July.) We tried not to think about our suffering brethren in Hialeah who couldn’t use the express lanes. We selfishly rolled up our windows and ... rolled.

Now the DOT says it will cut the number of northbound express lanes from two to one, plus add a regular southbound lane. Because as everyone in Miami knows, more construction on the Palmetto won’t be any trouble at all.

Critics say the lanes created more traffic problems than they solved, and to that we say duh. Have you ever driven in Miami? Every alteration to Miami’s highways creates more traffic problems than it solves. Yet we don’t see anybody canceling the insanely expensive I-395 spider monster road project, famously blasted as a nightmare from hell for anybody trying to enter downtown Miami. Frodo and Sam had less trouble making it to Mordor than we have getting to the Arsht Center these days. Where’s our trilogy?

Look, the 35 of us need these two express lanes. We live in northeast Miami-Dade or southeast Broward, and we are forced to drive the Palmetto five days a week to distant settlements like Doral. Those express lanes and the fleeting sense of superiority they created are the only reason we ever made it to the weekend.

Also, we enjoyed the brief thrill of trying to cross 10 lanes of traffic to enter the northbound express lanes at 36th Street, which is absolutely illegal and you should not do it because bloody death and possible dismemberment await. But we did it anyway, and the rush made us feel briefly alive instead of dead inside, the usual state when one is lodged in Miami traffic.

Here’s the good news. Critics complained about price of these lanes, so the tolls are going to be suspended at some point. A northbound trip from 36th Street in Doral to the big curve costs a whopping 50 cents. Meanwhile, over on I-95 at 6 p.m., the northbound express lanes cost $11. But tell us again how 50 cents is no bargain.

Still, we do like the idea of suspended tolls. Maybe we can we carry this momentum over to the I-95 express lanes. It would be nice to not have to sell a kidney on the black market just to get back and forth to work.

This story was originally published February 25, 2020 at 11:48 AM.