It has come to our attention that President Trump has announced that the next G-7 summit of world leaders will take place at his own Trump National Doral hotel.
“Having it in Miami is fantastic,” Trump said. “Each country can have their own villa, or their own bungalow.”
We think this is a marvelous idea. Who doesn’t want to be in Doral? Doral is an extremely spacious city. There’s plenty of room for more people, especially important world leaders who arrive with huge entourages and shut down the roads everywhere they go, inevitably at crucial times during the day.
But that’s OK, because traffic in and out of Doral is shut down most days. We will barely even notice the interruption.
Plus, we firmly believe that the leaders of the G-7 - an international economic organization that includes the U.S., Canada, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, Italy and Japan - would really enjoy themselves with the many delights Doral has to offer, like looking at bucolic urban cow pastures and shopping for Italian tile at discount prices.
So in the spirit of cooperation with our allies and also because we would like to speak further about myriad important subjects with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, preferably over breakfast, here is our Doral FAQ for world leaders.
What’s that smell?
Let us introduce you to Mount Trashmore, aka the Medley Landfill. Though not technically in Doral, the poor city is on the receiving end of its pungent aroma, which periodically wafts throughout the air. Particularly after a heavy rain.
Does it ever stop raining here?
Not often. Bring swimwear.
Is the Trump National Doral really that close to the airport?
Yes! Just expect it to take about two hours to get there, because 36th Street is a hot mess, especially if it’s flooded.
Where should I eat?
Doral is filled with numerous opportunities for dining, including Romano’s Macaroni Grill and Panera. Ok, we won’t lie. There are some legit places to eat in Doral.
Do the bungalows at the Trump National really have magnificent views?
What’s the best treatment for bedbugs?
Check with the nearest CVS. Like Pollo Tropical, they’re on every corner.