The signs are there. We just don’t want to see them. We close our eyes and hope they will disappear.
But they won’t, because the alligators are intent on world domination. They have upped their efforts to infiltrate Florida one city at a time, and Miami is definitely on the agenda.
Don’t believe us? Let’s consider recent history. Gators are snatching dogs out of their yards. They are climbing fences like Spider-Man scales tall buildings. Google it. You’ll see. They are infiltrating the ranks of vultures and promising them God knows what in return for their dark allegiance.
Gator hunting season has begun, to be sure, and a few of these reptiles are destined to become nice handbags or a pair of Louboutins. But the hunters won’t get them all, and these cheetahs of the swamp will continue to roam free and terrorize. Oh, you didn’t think they could move quickly on land? Just try to torment one and see how fast you earn the nickname “Stumpy.”
And yet despite all the warning signs, many of you still doubt the upcoming gator apocalypse. Let us offer some proof that gatormageddon is nigh. Here are just a few of the things they’ve been caught doing:
They’re busting through fences
This 600-pound, 11 foot gator broke through a Miami chain link fence at Northwest 13th Street and 37th Avenue “like it was nothing,” a Fire Rescue spokesman marveled.
They’re busting through windows
This 11-footer smashed a window in Clearwater. How long before his brethren make it to Kendall?
They’re learning to use our tools
It’s only a matter of time before they weaponize pool noodles.
They’re recruiting the crocodiles...
This croc is chilling with a bunch of gators at Shark Valley. Who knows what kind of evil instructions they are giving her?
...and now the crocs are coming by sea
They started by washing up on Hollywood Beach. Now they’ve moved south to enjoy the myriad delights of Key Biscayne.
Gators DGAF about algae
No clean water? No problem.
They find chlorinated water invigorating
These day it’s news if you don’t find a gator in your pool. This gator was enjoying a bracing swim in Boca Raton. which means...
They’ve discovered the fancy parts of town
So you see, fellow Floridians, it’s only a matter of time before we are overrun with these Florida yard dogs and made to do their bidding. Whether or not you welcome our new reptile overlords is entirely up to you.