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Want to ruin Fourth of July? Here’s the Miami idiot’s guide to a hospital-worthy Independence Day

Do you know how to safely operate these fireworks? Well then you shouldn’t use them. Unless you are on a mission to hurt somone for Fourth of July.
Do you know how to safely operate these fireworks? Well then you shouldn’t use them. Unless you are on a mission to hurt somone for Fourth of July. akuhn@mercedsun-star.com

Fourth of July is upon us and what better way to celebrate America’s birthday than by than doing something incredibly stupid?

Yes, people do dumb things on the Fourth of July, and Miami in particular has countless experts in turning a backyard barbecue into a “Law & Order” episode.

Why? Because it is their right as Americans to do hazardous nonsense that jeopardizes the lives of those around them.

And since we know that those folks aren’t going to listen to anyone, much less a snarky website that tells you where to find happy hours in Miami, we are just going to lean into it and let the dum dums know what they can do to be the absolute worst person in Miami for Fourth of July.

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Light a sparkler right next to the tiki hut

Tiki huts can be flammable so if you want to torch your cousin’s house in Kendall, this is how to do it.

Buy those professional grade fireworks

Don’t go to Bayfront Park like everyone else! Buy the pro stuff and do NOT read the instructions under any circumstances.

Set fireworks off in your hand

You really want to spend the rest of the day at Baptist Hospital? This is a great way to get past triage.

Make sure to fire a gun into the air

That bullet will not just fly into space. It’s going to land somewhere and someone could get hurt. Gunshots are not fireworks.

Definitely drink too much and then drive a boat

The coast guard is going to be patrolling so you will probably go to jail, which is great for everyone else.

Don’t sleep it off at your cousin’s house

You are the reason most of us are scared to drive on Fourth of July and have to bunker at home like “The Purge” is going on outside. See you in jail!

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