Miami Beach wants to ruin Spring Break. Let’s help them

After the tsunami of drinking, twerking and punching of random bystanders that occurred during Miami Beach’s most recent spring break, the city has had enough.

Miami Beach has passed a bunch of restrictions designed to squash high-spirited spring break sexy times and stop partying young people from acting like partying young people.

We don’t know if these changes will work. In case they don’t, we have a couple of suggestions so that Miami Beach can put a stop to this unprecedented behavior. Because who doesn’t want to preserve to the usual wholesomeness found on Ocean Drive every weekend?

Here’s what Miami Beach can do:

Raise the drinking age to 35

Just for the month of March.

Blow up the causeways and create an “Escape from New York” scenario except with palm trees

Sure, the Beach residents will be stuck fighting for their very survival at Whole Foods and Starbucks. But the locals sneaking over the causeway to wreak havoc will only be able to get there if they swim.

Schedule the AARP’s annual conference for the convention center at the same time

Fill Ocean Drive with thousands of “Matlock” fans searching for the nearest Golden Corral and watch the spirited young people flee.

Three words: Fake Zika outbreak

It worked in Wynwood.

Launch Thong Prohibition

All bathing suits must adhere to a rigorous Victorian code.

Import and disperse jellyfish from the Frost Museum

Gelatinous sea creatures, do your worst.

This story was originally published April 11, 2019 at 5:23 PM.