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Seven reasons Ultra wiLl rUn sMoOthLy this year

This weekend, Ultra Music Festival makes its debut on Virginia Key.

Key Biscayne residents, who have to pass through Virginia Key to get off the island, are not happy about this. It’s going to be a nightmare, they say. We don’t want to know who deadmau5 is, they say. Get off our lawns, they say. Everybody is worried about traffic and the 60,000 or so happy electronic music fans expected to descend on the island daily.

But we think Ultra is gOiNg tO bE aMaZiNg in its new location. What could be a more natural fit for an EDM extravaganza than Virginia Key, the island that is home to a wastewater treatment plant and endless fecal-matter-in-the-water advisories?

Ha! We are kidding! We love EDM and were just listening to Sasha and Digweed on the way to work, because old-school progressive house is our jam. If we could stay awake past 10 p.m. we’d be there. If we could get there.

Anyway, here is what’s going to happen this weekend at Ultra. It’s going to be magic.

tRaNsPoRtaTiOn WiLl bE eAsY

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Uber and Lyft can’t help you get off the key, but it will be OK.

A lone causeway connects Miami to Virginia Key. There will be no parking. Uber and Lyft won’t pick you up (though they will drop you off). You must use a system of shuttle buses that obviously won’t make you wait at all. What could possibly go wrong?

nOboDY WiLl gEt hUrT oN tHe RiCkEnbAcKeR

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Everyone will wait patiently for the shuttles.

After the show, some people will inevitably decide to walk back to Miami on the Rickenbacker Causeway in the dark rather than wait for shuttles. But because Miami drivers are dutiful, vigilant and never text while they’re behind the wheel, nothing bad will happen.

LoLiTa WiLl lOvE tHe mUSiC

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EDM will captivate Lolita the killer whale.

Lolita the killer whale lives — if you can call it that — at the Seaquarium on Virginia Key. Her home is about the size of a goldfish bowl, and she has never heard the sonic majesty of Marshmello. Maybe experiencing the drop will make her life finally worthwhile as she continues her existence flopping around on what is essentially a damp sponge.

KeY bIsCaYne nEiGhbOrS cAn mEeT nEw pEopLe

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Every day they keep it mello, your new friends.

Making new friends is healthy! Residents will happily welcome so many colorful young people this weekend as they infuse the neighborhood with peace, love, unity, respect and occasional vomiting.

60,000 pEopLe a dAy wOn’T leAve aNy gArBaGe

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Garbage? What garbage?

Virginia Key will remain as pristine as ever.

nObOdY wiLL bE tOo hiGh oR tIrEd tO rEmemBeR tHeiR dRop-OfF pOiNt

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Nobody will do any drugs.

Wherever you parked — Omni, Vizcaya, AmericanAirlines Arena — we are sure everyone will remember.

iT WiLl bE eASy To foRgeT tHe eNtiRe iSlaNd iS A wAstEwAteR tReAtmEnT plAnT

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Ultra crowds will keep it clean.

If there’s not a swimming advisory by Friday, there will be one by Sunday morning.

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