LOL

Miami doesn’t need April Fools’ Day. Our truth is weirder than your pranks.

By Connie Ogle

Updated February 7, 2019 3:32 AM

You can't beat our truth with your jokes. Not even with a sledgehammer

April Fools’ Day in Miami is a bust. Who needs to make up crazy fake stories to fool the masses when our daily reality is so twisted we sometimes have trouble believing it?

You don’t have to look hard for true stories that sound like jokes here in the Magic City. They’re all around you. Like humidity and Palmetto bugs. Or construction and cafecitos. No way around it: We live in a world of punchlines.

Here are just a few Miami stories that sound like April Fools’ Day jokes.

Pitbull is a UN ambassador

Dale! It’s true. The United Nations named the entertainer Clean Water Here Ambassador and awarded him the 2018 World Water Champion Award for leading a social media campaign that raises awareness of the global water crisis.

Read more: If Pitbull’s a UN ambassador, can he help Miami with some other stuff?

Florida might get its own time zone

Miami time will have a whole new meaning.

The Florida politicians have signed off on year-round Daylight Saving Time. Now Congress will decide if the entire state should have a time zone all to itself from November until March. At least we’d get to celebrate New Year’s Eve a full hour before New York City.

Read more: Why year-round Daylight Saving Time is a bad idea

Teachers can’t afford to live in Miami so the county wants them to live at school

Phillis Wheatley Elementary School could get a facelift — and a new apartment complex next door — as part of a plan to bring affordable housing to campus for Miami-Dade’s teacher

They’re underpaid, over-worked, expected to babysit your spoiled brats and teach them what a dangling modifier is plus fend off gun-toting maniacs. And now, because the rent is so damned high in Miami, the county wants them to live at school, according to the Miami Herald.

Officials had to close a causeway because so many people wanted to drink on South Beach

When you see this, turn around, go home and turn on Netflix.

Yep, this happened. A perfect storm of spring break and St. Patrick’s Day blew into town on March 17. Everybody forgot the rest of Miami existed and just had to drink on South Beach. Officials had to close the MacArthur Causeway for about an hour. Note: We have bars in other cities, too.

Drivers will occasionally mete out justice with a sledgehammer

By now you know the story: A guy tried to drive away from a hit-and-run accident, and a passerby sort of tried to stop him by banging away at his car with a sledgehammer. Seriously: watch the video at the bottom of that link if you haven’t seen it. There is no joke you can make about Miami funnier than that.

Speaking of driving: There’s a DMV in a Miami mall

The DMV may or may not be a portal to hell, but there’s one in the Mall of the Americas, and you can get your license renewed there on your way to Marshall’s. As one does.

Read more: Why Mall of the Americas is the best worst mall in Miami

A Miami baker made a cake using croquetas

Lots of people ordered a cake made from croquetas

Jessica and Andy Herrera, owners of Breadman Miami bakery in Hialeah, pull croquetas off of their popular Croqueta Cake to taste. The unique cake is becoming a popular item at the bakery. Herrera calls the cake ‘a marvel of engineering,’ as it is built using 100 croquetas and toothpicks

Wait. Now we know. There is literally nothing people in Miami won’t eat.

A horse got a nightclub shut down

A club-goer posted a video of a horse in Mokai Lounge in Miami Beach Thursday night. Police are investigating.

So this horse walks into a bar . . . Mokai Lounge in Miami Beach, to be exact. Not surprisingly, chaos ensued. The club’s license was revoked, but the story has a happy ending. After being fined, Mokai owner Roman Jones reopened the club and bought the horse, who is living at a private barn, probably with bottle service.