We never thought it would come to this, Philadelphia Eagles fans.
Granted, as Miami Dolphins fans, we had other things to worry about this season. Soul crushing injuries. Players disappearing on road trips. Cocaine-snorting coaches who send videotapes to strippers. Jay Cutler.
Did I mention Jay Cutler?
But here it is: We are cheering for you to win the Super Bowl.
Yes, we used to kind of hate you, when we had time in between having our hopes destroyed, making fun of New York Jets fans and bragging about the undefeated season. You might not remember that season, because it took place approximately 300 years ago. But we remember it. Oh yes. We remember. If only because our grandparents told us about it.
We spent the last week clinging to the belief that our cousins to the north, the Jacksonville Jaguars, would defeat the Forces of Evil, aka Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the rest of contemptible, lying, cheating, videotaping, undeserving, smug, vile, detestable England Patriots.
But Jacksonville let us down. So now it’s on you, Philly.
We don’t pretend to understand you guys. You’re a mystery. You eat that fluorescent orange substance on your cheesesteaks. We don’t quite get your fascination with Wawa. We have heard the legend of how you booed and threw snowballs at Santa. The dog masks baffle us. And apparently the city has to grease all its poles because you are somehow compelled to climb them.
But we understand this: the Patriots must be stopped, and we are in no position to do it. Plus we are glad to witness the joy of running back Jay Ajayi, who started the season as a Dolphin, got traded to Philly and is now the happiest man on earth. We’re pretty sure he has already sent Fins coach Adam Gase several dozen roses in thanks.
We also have a soft spot for your coach Doug Pederson, who played QB in the 1993 game that won our beloved Don Shula his record-breaking 325th victory.
Coach Shula retired with 347 wins. Belichick has 278. We need the Philadelphia Eagles to slow the onslaught.
So heal us. Bring us together as a nation. Create a world in which the entire country except for New England can come together in loathing, Giants fans and Steelers fans and Cowboys fans and Dolphins fans, and everybody else.
We’ll even eat one of those cheesesteaks if you win.