The winter storm that dropped snow on Tallahassee is not going to drop snow on Miami.
But if it did? You know we’d be a freezing, scared, whining, hot mess.
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Miamians are generally pretty brave. We hunt flying cockroaches the size of our heads with only a chancleta for a weapon. We stare down a category 5 hurricane with grit and determination, dismissing the fears of our families and friends. Wearing a bikini in public? Doesn’t faze us, even if it’s ill advised.
But cold weather? We can’t handle it. And snow? Listen, the last time it snowed in Miami was 1977. Those still alive to tell the tale speak of desolation, despair, cannibalism, a desperate lack of beach selfies. We can’t go back there.
Here are just a few of the reasons we never want snow in Miami again.
We couldn’t drive
Can you imagine the drivers on the Palmetto trying to deal with ice? They can’t even drive in the rain, and they do that every day for half of the year.
Publix would be a barren wasteland
You think hurricane warnings are bad? Imagine if we had a Snowpocalypse. Miami would pick these shelves clean of water, batteries, soup, Hot Pockets, novena candles and everything else required for human survival.
Everything would be shut down
Schools, restaurants, government offices, restaurants, bars. All except Mac’s Club Deuce. Short of a nuclear holocaust, Club Deuce will still be serving.
Fire pit-related injuries would skyrocket
We usually fire these things up before it’s even actually cold. Imagine the carnage if our hands were freezing (it’s not like we actually own gloves).
There would also be a flood of selfie- and snow-related injuries
You fools would be reporting approximately 5,000 slip and falls per second trying to get a good shot at Wynwood Walls.
Our pets would hate us
We’d dress them in cute outfits and humiliate them. They would dream of ripping out our throats while we slept.
We are not ready to watch Miami residents twerking in the snow.
We catch locals twerking pretty much everywhere. There is no doubt this would happen.