Let’s face it. Miami’s Muscovy ducks are jerks.
Oh, sure, they’re cute when they’re little. They run after their mothers, all fuzzy and quacky. They’re always adorably falling into storm drains and being rescued by heroic firefighters.
It’s a 100 percent “Awwwwww” situation.
But then they grow up and look at you like this:
If these ducks had arms they would be crossed. They eyeball you with pure attitude. They make the stray cats shudder and the ibis quake. Even the gators get a little nervous.
These ducks will walk right up to you in front of the downtown Publix and demand your chicken tender sub. They will stare you down in the middle of the street, leading all 18 of their babies in front of your car while you idle in fury. They are nature’s worst parents, and they don’t care if you don’t like it because if you run them over you are the most horrible person in the world.
Such confrontations are win-win for them.
ONLY in DADE found actual footage of a Miami duck’s face as she waddles across the road:
We want these trash peacocks out of our face. You hear about pythons every day, but do you ever see them? NO. You have only seen pythons on your Twitter feed. What you see IRL are these ducks standing in front of your car or pooping on your lawn.
People in Coconut Grove complain about the peacocks, but at least the peacocks are pretty. These ducks look like Two-Face after the acid attack. They’re not even a native species. They come from Texas but lay their eggs all over our real estate and don’t even have the decency to speed it up when we’re late for work.
But you know what happens to invasive species in Florida, don’t you, ducks? Ask the lionfish. Oh, wait, you can’t, because they’re all on a dinner plate! Hard to destroy a coral reef when you’re lying stone cold dead on a pile of ice at Whole Foods. There have even been discussions about finding ways to stir fry iguanas, the other white meat.
So consider yourself put on notice, Miami ducks. We’re not going to try and run you over. We’ll let you raise those cute babies. But if some trendy chef gets a burning desire for cheap, sustainable meat to showcase at his overpriced Wynwood gastropub, well, we know where you live.