Psychologist Reveals Why We Ghost People
Ghosting isn't exactly uncommon these days, especially since finding love through dating apps is considered the norm.
Still, being ghosted-when the other person disappears without explanation-can be shocking, hurtful and confusing to those being left on read.
According to a new psychological analysis, the impulse to vanish may be less about cruelty or indifference and more about survival.
Clinical psychologist Charlie Heriot-Maitland argued that ghosting is one of many everyday behaviors driven by the brain's ancient threat–response system, designed to protect us from perceived danger rather than to foster happiness or healthy relationships.
In his new book, Controlled Explosions in Mental Health, Heriot-Maitland explored how behaviors often labeled as self-sabotaging-including procrastination perfectionism, harsh self-criticism and ghosting-are actually attempts by the nervous system to manage fear.
"From a survival perspective, ghosting is a trade-off," he told Newsweek. "It brings short-term relief by reducing immediate stress or threat, but it does so by creating a longer-term harm. The nervous system prioritizes what feels safest now, even when that choice slowly undermines relationships over time."
The book frames these moments as "controlled explosions"-small, self-inflicted disruptions designed to prevent a larger emotional catastrophe. Just as someone might procrastinate to avoid the fear of failure, or withdraw socially to avoid rejection, ghosting becomes a way to stay in control when connection feels risky.
What's happening neurologically is both fast and automatic. "In the moment someone ghosts, the brain is responding to immediate threat rather than long-term consequences," Heriot-Maitland explained. "Replying feels likely to trigger anxiety, conflict or shame, so silence offers instant relief."
The problem, he said, is that these behaviors often become self-fulfilling. Avoiding someone out of fear that they might not like you can ultimately ensure that no relationship forms at all. Over time, the short-term safety comes at the cost of loneliness, guilt or damaged trust.
Heriot-Maitland warned against responding to ghosting-whether as the person who disappears or the one left behind-with moral judgment. Labeling the behavior as lazy, rude or toxic may deepen shame and entrench the habit.
Instead, the key distinction lies in understanding whether ghosting is serving a protective purpose or quietly eroding someone's life. "I don't frame interruption as forcing a different behavior, but as understanding the job the behavior is doing," he said. "Once that protective function is understood without shame, choice opens up."
Breaking the cycle requires compassion rather than self-criticism. By recognizing the fear or unmet need driving the silence, people can begin to create safer ways to engage-without detonating the very connections they want to preserve.
The goal is not to fight these survival strategies, nor to let them run unchecked, Heriot-Maitland said. "There are choices we have here," he said. "By helping readers recognize these trade-offs, the book offers practical, compassionate ways to reduce harm without increasing shame."
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Reference
Heriot-Maitland, C. (2025). Controlled Explosions in Mental Health: A Compassionate Guide to Understanding Why Our Brains Self-Sabotage, Self-Criticise, and Self-Harm. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003559924
Newsweek
This story was originally published January 5, 2026 at 6:33 AM.