Keeping up with the trendy American spirit of categorizing and demonizing in these Trumpian times — and fueled by a great rush of optimism at the moment — I’m launching my own watchdog agency and database to keep up with deception in government.
I’m calling it “The Office of Official Lies.”
I pledge to publish a regular list of all crimes committed against the intelligence of the American public.
The name at the top of the list: Donald John Trump.
No. 2: Michael Thomas Flynn.
No. 3 — and this is not a reflection of the degree of the lie, but of the chronology of the domino chips falling in the Trump administration: Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III.
That pompous name on my database, from here on known as TOOL, belongs to Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the senator who famously said about President Bill Clinton in 1999 during the sex-with-the-intern affair: “No one is above the law.” He, who pounced from his conservative pulpit during Clinton’s impeachment hearings: “People who commit perjury must be removed from office.”
Yet not even a month into the job, Sessions has been caught by Washington Post reporters possibly perjuring himself. I say possibly only because news colleagues describe in painstakingly worded reports that Sessions, a Trump campaign surrogate, “withheld information” that last year during the campaign he spoke twice with the Russian ambassador.
But I can say it: He lied!
There is video. He was asked by two senators during his confirmation hearings about contacts with Russia during the election — and Sessions said he didn’t have any. That earns him a lot more than a pants-on-fire rating from the venerable PolitiFact, the only database Americans would need if they weren’t hooked on Fox, Breitbart, and all sorts of delivery methods of fake and twisted news.
Sessions’ lie may be a little different from the Flynn lie to Vice President Mike Pence that he had not spoken to Russians, when Trump’s National Security Advisor was heard on a wiretap doing just that. But it’s just as egregious. Flynn was forced to resign. The Attorney General had no choice but to recuse himself Thursday from the investigations into the Trump campaign’s Russiagate. But better yet, he should live up to his own words and resign.
It’s the least he could do. Aren’t we deporting people from the country for lying?
He should land on some kind of list.
After all, our law-and-order president — who never came upon a fact he couldn’t turn into a lie to fit his narrative — loves databases, the more discriminatory the better. He’s creating VOICE, an office dedicated to churning out a list of weekly crimes committed by what white supremacists like to call “illegal aliens.” The Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement, under ICE, works in the same mode as Brietbart’s hideous “black crimes” section and the Muslim database Trump pledged to create on the campaign trail.
In case lawyers named after Confederate generals have a better shot at getting away with lying than generals and immigrants, I’ll make sure Sessions’ name is right up there for posterity in my TOOL.
Like the president’s, my database is a necessary safety measure to keep us from being hoodwinked by special interests and ignored by the media. There’s too much lying going on in Washington. It’s not safe. Make America Truthful Again, I say. Like Trump’s “again,” mine is subject to speculation and a throwback in time. Figuring out what I really mean is your job, dear readers.
Come to think of it, I could use a little help from you.
Following the human-hunting spirit of ICE, which is egging on every chivato snitch in America to turn in every poor soul without papers, I must ask you to feed my database, stool pigeons. Turn in your politicians. Flood me with names and lies!
This is a movement!
There’s no stopping us now.