Super Bowl Week needed this. So did Super Bowl With a Smirk — already tired of pretending that Deflategate and the pointless reticence of Marshawn Lynch are actual serious issues that rise to the level of outrage or even controversy.
So thank you, Gronk.
We needed silly.
The levity missing from the buildup to Seahawks-Patriots on Sunday was provided at Tuesday’s Media Day in Phoenix by New England tight end Rob Gronkowski as he obliged a request and read a passage from A Gronking to Remember, an erotic novel about him written that came out this month by one Lacey Noonan.
The passage included the word “butt cheeks.” Miami Herald editors, being of sound mind and good taste, require that no elaboration is necessary, although I would add one additional passage from the 66-page book, describing the effect of watching Gronkowski’s TD dance on the ribald tome’s bored-housewife protagonist:
“It jettisoned jiggling ribbons of electric jelly through my body and melted my knees like two pads of margarine.”
Smirk believes the author might have misused the word “jettisoned,” but who are we to argue with literary genius.
The X-rated book about Gronk is to be the first in a series by Noonan, unless somebody manages to talk her out of it.
Other Media Day highlights included Richard Sherman salsa-dancing with a female reporter, Bill Belichick revealing his favorite stuffed animal, and a journalist wearing only a cowboy hat and a wooden barrel held up by suspenders.
You know … the usual stuff.
▪ A bleating fire alarm emptied the Patriots’ team hotel at 3 a.m. Tuesday, leading to suspicions a false alarm was intentionally reported. Luckily, Smirk wore gloves and used a pay phone.
▪ The rich history of Super Bowl Week controversies has included Len Dawson interrogated for a gambling connection (1969), Stanley Wilson in a cocaine bathtub (1988 season), riots in Miami (also ’88), Eugene Robinson’s prostitute (1998), Ray Lewis implicated in a double murder (1999), Barret Robbins AWOL in Mexico (2002) and Spygate (2007). So when Smirk makes fun of underinflated footballs as being scandal-worthy … that’s relatively speaking.
▪ Predictionmachine.com has played the game 50,000 times on a computer (so you don’t have to), and determined that Seattle wins 57.3 percent of the time, by an average score of 23.5 to 20. It will be interesting to see how the Seahawks manage to score a half-point.
▪ Fox NFL insider Jay Glazer hosts his fifth annual Super Bowl party Wednesday at Maya Nightclub in Scottsdale. The event is sponsored by testosterone.
▪ SiriusXM radio announces it is broadcasting its Super Bowl coverage in eight languages this week including Hungarian. Right now, somewhere in northern Budapest, a woman is boiling meat for goulash while intently listening to Alex Marvez discuss deflated balls.
▪ Kim Kardashian will appear in a T-Mobile Super Bowl ad that depicts her applying makeup while looking into a mirror and taking a selfie, reflecting the intellectual side of a celebrity typically associated with vapidity.
▪ I keep reading stories headlined, “Where to watch the Super Bowl.” Seriously? What’s next, “Where to Take a Bath”? Do most people not own TVs or know where a sports bar is?
▪ Super Fact: Roman Numerals first were used for Super Bowl V and then retroactively applied to the first four games. The idea was the brainchild of former Kansas City Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt, and yet he is revered, anyway.
▪ TiqIQ reports the average price for a ticket to Sunday’s game on the secondary market is $6,103. The price is driven high because so few tickets are available to actual fans, with most going gratis to the league, teams, advertisers, corporate sponsors and celebrities. For example, a charter Seahawks season-ticket holder was denied his place at Sunday’s game because his seat will be taken by Katy Perry’s dog groomer.
▪ Finally, a terrible brawl broke out Tuesday along “Radio Row” as competing producers for rival stations The Ticket Miami and WQAM came to blows over first dibs to Seahawks backup long- snapper Al Bonkman.