Super Bowl With a Smirk: Here is what you get for a $1 million ticket (!) to Shaq’s Fun House party
Super Bowl With a Smirk is back with the fifth and last of five daily notes columns needling the self-important NFL and the gravitas of its big game. Flying under the banner, “Make Fun, Not War,” Smirk is an annual Super Bowl Week feature in the Miami Herald years we remember to do it.
We are at the point in Super Bowl Week where the Bengals and Rams have completed preparations for Sunday’s big game as both coaches exhale that no players were arrested and fans turn their attention to the famed glut of SB par-tays!
Start with Shaq’s Fun House with Lil’ Wayne and Diplo. Shaquille O’Neal does nothing small, so his party will include a full-scale ferris wheel and merry-go-round, and an 80-foot slide. An Ultra-VIP ticket — at $1 million each — includes a private jet to and from L.A., a Rolls-Royce Phantom to take to the the party, unlimited booze (of course) and a VIP table on the stage.
The NFL Legends party is hosted by Rob Gronkowski (or did that go without saying) and music by Flo Rida. A Homecoming Big Game Weekend soiree will feature Justin Bieber and Drake. Plus Maxim’s Electric Nights party, whatever that is.
Also there is Sports Illustrated’s Party X Palm Tree Crew event. (Dear SI: So, those massive cuts on writing staff and photography that gutted your once-proud brand — the savings went to partying?)
Taste of the NFL, the “party with a purpose” fundraiser, is Saturday at L.A.’s famed Peterson Automotive Museum, conjuring the image of a drunk sportswriter spilling his Texas Goat Birria Taco onto the white upholstery of a rare ‘38 Packard. A format change: No longer is there a chef from each NFL city due to growing competitiveness that one year infamously led to the Patriots chef caught deflating other chefs’ souffles.
Ricky Williams’ Cannabis-Friendly Super Bowl party did not happen because Ricky forgot.
Friday’s Media party at Universal Studios Hollywood was a huge success other than (according to a Smirk source) when a tipsy Chris Berman picked a fight with Scooby-Doo in a brouhaha that escalated until intervention by a peacemaking Bart Simpson.
Smirk cannot decide among his dozens of invites to A-List Super Bowl parties. Leaning to one being held in the parking lot of a Ralph’s supermarket, hosted by William Shatner’s nephew, with music by a Flying Burrito Brothers tribute band.
▪ Three thoughts from NFL Honors show: 1) Nobody worms like Christian Wilkins worms, but when did a celebration become a “celly”?; 2) Pro Football Hall of Fame needs more and/or different voters; and 3) NFL Man of the Year Andrew Whitworth, the Rams left tackle, is leading a life that makes Smirk feel worthless, which he felt already, and didn’t need the reminder.
▪ Super Bowl pregame glut on TV: NBC, ESPN and NFL Network will have combined for some 240 hours of pregame programming into Sunday, or about 235 more than viewers need, want or have time for. Were Smirk a lawmaker, his first bill introduced would prohibit pregame programming from being longer than the game itself.
▪ Mercury, rising: Smirk thought he just saw Mercury Morris at a major L.A. intersection, on a soapbox, with a bullhorn, loudly rapping that the ‘72 Dolphins remain the only unbeaten team.
▪ Lion picks Super Bowl winner: At Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City, Vulcan the Lion predicted a Rams victory. “No way, Ridiculous!: said Ben the Tiger.
▪ Prop-bet scandal brewing?: Country star Mickey Guyton will sing the pregame national anthem and the betting over/under on time is 1:38. Hmm. Should we suspect she told her friends to all bet the ‘over’ if she suspiciously drags out the word “braaaaaaaaaavvvve” at the end?
▪ Spoiler alert: Odds for next year’s Super Bowl: This is impossible. Don’t know yet where Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson will end up. Don’t know who Bucs’ and Steelers’ QBs will be. But never too early to start taking bets , so: MaximBets has released SB odds for next season and it’s 1-2-3 for Chiefs (6-1), Bills (7-1) and 49ers (9-1). Sunday’s combatants are just after at 10-1 for Rams and 15-1 for Bengals. Dolphins are where they live: Mid-pack, tied for 18th at 33-1.
▪ Super Bowl commercials update: Sunday night, all of the Super Bowl ads will be flying at half-staff in honor off Betty White.
▪ Essential public service announcement: Actual Los Angeles Times headline: ‘Super Bowl 2022 kickoff countdown: What time does game start?’
▪ Super Bowl flu: An estimated 15 million Americans will suspiciously call in sick from work on Monday. Make that 15 million and one. Smirk’s forehead feels warm.
▪ Super Bowl Tip du Jour: Duct tape and plastic zip ties at the ready, as always, in case next-door neighbor Eddie the Loon hits Old Grand-Dad too hard and starts urinating in the oven again.
