Hostile candidates really love each other!


Deep down, Republicans love Democrats, and Democrats love Republicans. What’s more, Republican candidates love one another, as do Democrats running for the presidency.

The only reason candidates fight with each other is the media. And illegal immigrants. And Obamacare. And the tax code. And especially philosophers since, as Marco Rubio said in the recent debate, we have too many of them already. If we did not have journalists, illegal immigrants, IRS bureaucrats, a president and a bunch of philosophers, the candidates would be working in synchrony to solve the world’s problems. But instead, they have to force themselves to be nasty to each other. Deep down they love one another and want to collaborate, especially when it comes to Obamacare. They all want to improve it, but journalists and philosophers get in the way. They just need to think outside the box, which is where I come in.

What if instead of being forced into brutish behavior candidates banded together to create a dream team? What if they built on each other’s strengths for the good of the country? Rand Paul, for example, knows his conservative philosophy, whereas Marco Rubio knows financial literacy. I think it was unfair that Paul asked Rubio in the last debate if trillion-dollar entitlements represent conservative philosophy. After all, Rubio said that we need fewer philosophers.

If Paul had used a strength-based approach instead of a deficit-based approach, he could have asked Rubio if he was going to pay for his new entitlements with the party’s credit card, which is something Rubio knows a lot about.

Donald Trump, who has many skills, could partner with Ben Carson for the good of the country as well. Trump believes the country is going in the wrong direction because we are surrounded by idiots. The best way to neutralize these idiots is to lobotomize them. Lobotomy Express would build on Carson’s expertise as a neurosurgeon and Trump’s expertise in getting rid of undesirable people, not to mention his business acumen. On the expense side, Lobotomy Express can save the country trillions of dollars in idiocy prevented. On the revenue side, we can sell it to Vladimir Putin, whom Trump met in the green room of 60 Minutes. Mr. Putin would buy the whole franchise.

Carly Fiorina wants to get close to Hillary Clinton, but the media and philosophers are getting in the way. They just need to find a topic of common interest, such as technology.

Fiorina is a great techie innovator, and Hillary is an early adopter, especially when it comes to digital servers and erasures. Powerful duo.

Jeb Bush, who has been struggling to find a meaningful role in the campaign — and anything memorable to say, and how to say it, in coherent prose, as opposed to one line staccatos — could try using Spanish. I can see Jeb translating Trump’s policies on immigration to illegal aliens. Trump, whose monolingual repertoire is limited to the words “disaster,” “losers” and “idiots,” can benefit from bilingual Bush.

The Dream Team is going to need leaders. The vision that unites all the Republican candidates is, no doubt, the word “repeal.” Ted Cruz will be the repealer in chief, and John Kasich, who seems pretty normal, will try to temper Trump, who told the Ohio governor, “I’m a billionaire and I don’t have to listen to you.” Kasich will remind Trump that most Americans are not billionaires and may not appreciate being ignored.

Class of 2016, you’ve been warned. Unless you work as a team, you may all be fired, and not necessarily by the Donald.

Isaac Prilleltensky is dean of the School of Education and Human Development at the University of Miami.